Ari Browne, fins free. Photo: screenshot
It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
-Hunter S. Thompson
Surfers are naturally territorial and known to grumble about everything from SUPs and spongers to foilers taking a buzz-saw to the lineup. Allow me to continue that trend.
Many of us have heard wave riders wax poetic about the novel sensations of finless surfing, but guess what? They’re lying out of their rash guards. When surfers are lucky enough to surf a ton, they get bored, gorge themselves on mushroom chocolates and make terrible life choices like ordering $1 “fresh fish” tacos while visiting Detroit.
Or ripping the fins off their boards.
When the good Tom Blake threw a speedboat skeg on the bottom of his board in 1935, he changed our collective surf history and ushered in a new world of slashing and carving. Tom was ahead of the game, but that day lives in infamy for our finless friends and they’ve been plotting against establishment findom ever since.
Is it possible that our surfing’s endless fin variations, from single on up to the good ol’ ten-fin fricassee, aren’t enough for these friction-averse wave sliders? I suppose if it were up to them, we’d all yank the futures off all our boards, and, after bandaging our hands, begin riding waves in the slippery style in which melted ice cream slides down the hood of my car. Why is there ice cream on the hood of my car? OK, that’s not a bad question – but why are these smooth-riding purists boldly going against Tommy B’s legacy and everything that surfing stands for?
Riding waves is hard enough, but fins help make it a bit easier, right? So, why not remove the most functional part of the surfboard so the finless can corkscrew themselves into the reef? We already have skim boarders spinning 3s on the shore and Italo Ferreira doing whatever this is – we don’t need any more gentle spinning. Most of the time, it’s unclear to the pro-fin posse whether these guys are worm dancing at a String Cheese Incident show or cutting us off at Rincon.
Is there a fin screw shortage I’m unaware of? Do people not enjoy bottom turns, top turns, turn and burns? And don’t tell me this squirrely, drop-knee disco is equivalent. Turns depend on the deep reach of a fin, the secure grip of the establishment. Stop trying to change the world! Surfing doesn’t have any time for your idealistic claims of “freedom in the pocket,” which, frankly, sounds either like a stellar ’80s band or something you could get kicked out of school for.
Let’s stick to the facts, shall we? Animal Planet: Surf Edition tells us that finless surfers listen to a mix of smooth jazz and early Eagles deep cuts as they twirl like that kid at the prom who had a few too many in the limo. The no-finzone also fares well even when threatened by the dangers of the wild, based on their ability to – much like the peacock –colorfully distract predators from…check that, no they absolutely would not survive the wild. Quite the opposite, without a razor-sharp single fin to protect them, these mild, vegan softies would quickly be trampled by every mammal, insect, and bloodthirsty e-bike grom gang roaming the countryside.
Wait a minute. I just came to a shocking realization! Finless surfing is just bad snowboarding.
The idea holds up, since the finless were no doubt inspired by the “free the heel” crew; beards, Steely Dan and all. But this is horrible snowboarding. Like, the snowboarding you do right before you learn “falling leaf” but after you make a day-ending decision to try the spicy chili bread bowl for lunch.
Honestly, shouldn’t snowboarders jump on the finless bandwagon and just take the bindings off their…oh, say it ain’t so! I just realized that the sneaky half-siblings to the anti-fin flock are those feckless snow-skaters, who spend their days riding the kiddy park all hopped up on lodge hot chocolate and Fireball flasks.
On the flip, there are those who may contest that finless surfers are bringing us back to the promised land. They might say that it’s all a cycle, this devout renouncement of fins. I mean, Dude, Jesus shaped his own wooden boards, (JC1 squash tails are super rare right now; try Ebay) but even he didn’t make fins. No, Jesus was straight flat-bottom shredder who ripped his way through trade school without any fins at all. He would’ve been the next Bobby Vila if he didn’t meet Mary at the surf swap. Next thing you know, Satan rolled up to the last supper – fish tacos, reportedly – with a trunk full of FCS, and the rest, as they say, is history.
Serious ask for the finless: how far away can we get from surfing before it’s not surfing anymore?
Like George Greenough, I thought the evolution of surfing was all about style, but it turns out it’s all about continually changing our equipment to make things worse. It may sound bold, but I think we can move towards getting rid of the surfboard, too. Now this is freedom, people! And…now you’re just bodysurfing, man. We’re right back where we started.
Well, what if we make a hand plane out of wood, just for the glide? And, what if we then made it longer and, you know, added something to the bottom for stability?
And away we go.
Wait…Derek Hynd is is on the horn? Where’s my assistant? Here, burn these pages, now! What, I don’t have an assistant?!
Well, screw it: I’m in. I’m throwing fins to the wind. I’ll ride waves the way they were meant to be ridden. I actually despise fins, all those sharp edges and bad attitudes. Evil Captain Fin and co. are holding us back, brothers and sisters, and we proud finless folk are moving forward into a world run by Ari Browne and Jordan Rodin, so pass the peyote and lets finless fiesta, no!?
I’m serious! “Forever Finless” is already tattooed on my chest, right next to “Fin Around and Find Out.”
Fine, fine, I’ll admit it: finless surfing is super hard, and my surfing needs all the help, guidance, and stability it can get. I’ll give these progressive barrier-breakers a break – and the lightest spritz of patchouli for the road – and shut my finbox.
All joking aside, finless surfers are a good vibe. They’re just trying to have fun, get waves, and not lose that single 12-year-old dreadlock. Fin on, peeps, for however long your rudderless empire lasts.
Now, let’s get real. What’s the deal with wakeboarders?
