The broskis on the Left Coast just do it differently. Photo: Zach Dowdy//Unsplash
As a transplant from New England to Southern California, I’m incredibly grateful to all the people who’ve welcomed me to the promised land. Once they realized I wasn’t leaving, the locals of the Left Coast have been nicer to me than I probably would have been to a 40-something dude with a bad back and a mid-length invading my surf spots back home.
I’ve enjoyed my time here immensely, seen a new part of the country, lived in a funky little neighborhood, cut my crooked teeth at a local break, gotten dropped in on by a dolphin, and had some of the best surfs of my life.
However, there are a few things that Southern California surfers do, that, while certainly not offensive; will eternally puzzle East Coast surfers like myself. Here are some of the most vexing acts I’ve observed West Coast surfers commit out in the wild.
1) Suit up with hooded wetsuits, boots, and even gloves when the water is 63. Seriously?
2) Opt not to surf when it’s cloudy because, “you know, it’s lookin’ pretty ooooovercast out there, Brah.”
3) Remain unable to choose or differentiate between Brah, Bruh, Bro, Brosef, Broski, Bra, Buddy or Bud.
4) Bring their shiny new $1,000 board to the beach, then stick it in the sand and play volleyball all day.
5) Play volleyball all day.
6) Complain about the surf being slow, weak, inconsistent, blown out and more when it’s not perfect, but it’s fun and rideable.
7) Decide not to surf when it rains because, “Dude, can you believe it’s, like, raining? Like, what?! Let’s just try to make it to Roberto’s and hunker down for the week, no? Can you drive?”
6) Use terms like “Froth Lords” without a hint of irony.
7) Grow gnarly mustaches that look as though their eyebrows copulated and created a horrifying, hairy stepchild.
8) Abbreviate words that don’t need to be abbreviated, saving themselves a total of .5 seconds, then use that extra time to STARE DOWN other surfers on the steps to the break like a total Froth Lord.
9) Eat tacos for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
9) Drive to the break, get suited up, stretch out, paddle out, grab a wave, and then head in for the day.
10) Refuse to walk/jog 10 minutes down the beach in exchange for a way smaller crowd and better surf…then complain about how packed it was where they were.
11) Refuse to use leashes and then let their brand-new boards wash up on the rocks (many great surfers go leashless beautifully; but it’s become an epidemic, infecting surfers who should still be on foamies).
12) Opt not to surf when it’s side-shore, cross-shore, onshore, or anything less than chest high and offshore, because “Brah, it’s lookin’ pretty (insert any word here as long as it ends in the correct vowel: mushy, softy, snotty, choppy, shifty, junky, lumpy, shitty).”
13) Look as though someone just stole their breakfast burrito as they walk down the beach en route to the surf. Why are you so angry? It’ sunny, the water’s warm, and the waves are up. Smile, Broski!
14) Somehow have the freedom to surf for seven straight hours on Monday, then hang/surf-skate in the lot for another three, yet still afford the aforementioned brand-new $1,000 boards.
