Mike Johnson and Hannah Ann Sluss showed up to the Surf Ranch. Glorious awkwardness ensued. Images: The Ultimate Surfer/Instagram
Well, they did it. It was as though the reality gods heard my plea. The Ultimate Surfer recruited a couple of reality stars to be included in the show. I spoke with Koa Smith a few days ago about his involvement and I told him an idea I had: bring The Ultimate Surfer to a beautiful Mexican resort in front of a beautiful Mexican wave… and make the surfers go on dates. Because, I told him, in the end, I don’t much care about the surfing in The Ultimate Surfer.
What really draws me in is the same thing that draws me to the terrible perfection that is The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and Bachelor in Paradise. It’s the drama. The fighting. I want to hate-watch realty television. I want to boil with anger; throw my arms up in exasperation; spit my wine onto my partner; fling the remote at the television in a violent act of pure, unbridled hatred. My problem with The Ultimate Surfer is that I simply like everyone too much.
“Even Anastasia Ashley, who seemed to be cast as the show’s Cruella de Vil before she was sent packing,” I wrote, “wasn’t killing enough puppies.”
And while the last two episodes of The Ultimate Surfer didn’t bring anyone in that I could hate a little more, they did, at least, bring in Mike Johnson and Hannah Ann Sluss, the former of which, as everyone knows, should have been the Bachelor. Those teeth! That smile! That’s to say nothing of Hannah Ann, whose face looks like a marble carving of Aphrodite. Such beauty should not exist in this world, but it does. And the contestants were shaken up. It was fantastic.
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The challenge was to get these two marble carvings to learn to surf. The marble carvings would then choose which Ultimate Surfer contestant taught them to surf the best. But, as you might imagine, learning to surf with cameras pointed at you and only six waves to learn on was a difficult task. It’s safe to say that neither Mike nor Hannah learned to surf, although Hannah did stand up. But the surfing, as I mentioned, is not the best part of the show. It’s the drama. Malia, owner of the curliest blonde hair this side of a dyed sheep, fell in love. Kai Barger, who was reintroduced to the show after being unceremoniously knocked out by Alejandro Moreda, could barely form a sentence in front of Hannah. It is, one imagines, difficult to have a conversation with a real-life deity, and the awkwardness was perfectly cringe-worthy.
In a previous recap, I wrote that I wanted “a show that will surely make me cringe so hard I disappear with a popping sound into my own chest.” This most recent episode accomplished just that. And as much as I hated to feel that feeling, I’m glad it happened. I know the show finished filming a full year ago, but I like to think they somehow heard my pleas through a forward looking time-machine. So, for all those yearning for more cringing, more awkwardness, more reality television drama on The Ultimate Surfer… you’re welcome. While it’s not quite on the same level of awkward, horrifically vicarious embarrassment as The Bachelor in Paradise (I’m looking at you, Demi), it’s getting closer.
Watch The Ultimate Surfer Monday and Tuesday nights, and learn more on WorldSurfLeague.com.
