Surf brands are keen to encourage metrosexuality in surfing. But how do you become a Metro?
If you’re gliding into middle age, you might be forgiven for thinking that the term metrosexual refers to people who enjoy cottaging in subway stations. But you’d be wrong. Although Wikipedia offers a robust description of metrosexuality, I prefer the eclectic definitions in Urban Dictionary where as “Juztice” succinctly puts it: a metrosexual is “a man who a woman has to fight for the mirror.”
Consummate shoppers, metrosexuals (and metrosexual behavior in general) rank high on the collective surf brand marketing agenda. But how do you become a Metro? There are precious few on the World Tour, mainly because it involves doing the WQS, which is very rough and terribly common (they let anyone compete, even if they dress last season). So I spoke to Old Rad Guy about the struggle of learning to become a metrosexual surfer.
Old Rad Guy: You know these OP tees are kinda faded. My Sublime cassettes are all stretched. The neon green rails on my Hot Tuna surfboard are pretty dinged up, and I haven’t got laid since…well quite a while, maybe I need a new image.
Then perhaps it’s time for you to embrace metrosexuality.
ORG: Does it involve teenage chicks?
Ever known a fashion that didn’t?
ORG: Tell me more.
You’re going to need some new threads. That t-shirt you tore the sleeves off to make a wifebeater? It’s gotta go. Being metro is all about embracing technology, and Wearable Electronics is where it’s at. With surf brands offering a variety of jackets and hoodies with integrated mp3 technology, it was only a matter of time before mp3 wetsuits happened. Now, you need not have a single original thought or conversation ever again. True Metro connoisseurs will not be caught dead without some Skull Candy. Those are the huge, oversized headphones like the ones we had before smaller, more convenient headphones were invented.
ORG: Okay, Plug and Play hoodies and earmuff headphones. What do I listen to? Is it still Dire Straits and Depeche Mode?
Forget the music. Just focus on European fashion shirts and tight trousers.
ORG: But they hurt. Can I undo the top button when I sit down to feed?
True Metros don’t need to create extra room for their beer guts; they drink obscure wines and sickly sweet cocktails and hardly ever eat.
ORG: No more beer?
Maybe, but it has to be from some small Eastern European country that no one can pronounce. The most important aspect of being metro though is grooming…
ORG: Ah, I know all about this.
You do?
ORG: Sure, every morning while trying not to piss on my hairy feet, I brush my teeth.
Yes, good for you, but there is slightly more to it than that. It starts with moisturizer (rehydration therapy), involves pomade for the hair, facial washes, day cream, night cream, exfoliating scrubs, anti-wrinkle cream, eye softeners, tactical worry-line reducers, facial massages and some Dane Reynolds signature aftershave.
ORG: There’s a Dane Reynolds signature aftershave? How’s he smell?
It hasn’t happened yet, but it’s only a matter of time. And now on to the most important aspect of the metro grooming ritual: body hair. Body hair is bad, showing great bushy tufts when you raise your arms to claim a barrel is enough to make many metros physically sick. No, it’s time to depilate your bod: pluck it, shave it, wax it and laser those pesky pubes away. Facial hair is acceptable providing it’s artfully arranged – definitely no mutton chops.
ORG: Sounds like a lot of effort. What about the surf?
You’re going to need a resin tint fish and a super light board glassed with six ounce cloth. It could snap in your skinny arms as you take it out of your SUV. You’ll also need a little black number in neoprene, look for one with flattering curves that accentuate the right places. Wearing a white rashie and white boardies over your wetsuit will stop you from getting wax stains on your new suit; if you surf regularly, it’s expensive to replace wetsuits whenever they get wax stains.
ORG: You don’t see many pros wearing shorts and rashguards over their wetsuits, though.
No, but in competitions some of them wear red rash vests with black wetsuits! Can you imagine? And baseball caps during heat interviews? OMG, can you actually buy them in stores? I thought they were just for that show My Name Is Earl.
ORG: But what about the actual surfing? As a metro, are bottom-turns and long, drawn out roundhouses still okay?
No, no, no. Are you mad? Metro surfers don’t actually surf. Do you have any idea what salt water does to the complexion? No, just take your surf towel, resin tint fish, mp3 sunnies, earmuff headphones, man bag full of personal hygiene products, Bluetooth phone and iPad 2, throw your YSL pullover jauntily around your shoulders and go sit in a bijou drinking hole by the beach that serves Slovakian beer in miniature fishbowls.
Paddle out? Dude, that is so Noughties.
For more on this topic, watch the video below. Disclaimer: some might find it offensive. Others might laugh.
