Photo: Austin Neill // Unsplash
California surfers have been loving 2021. Day after day of pumping surf has graced the coast of the Golden State, kicking off what some feel could be a never-ending supply of swell pulsing through the Pacific.
That is a bullish prediction, according to a recent press release from the Galactic Council of Surf Gods. In fact, a statement from the council Friday announced that not only will California’s current run of epic conditions end, West Coasters are in for a devastating flat spell as a measure to balance things out.
“Listen, surf karma is a real thing,” Poseidon, Greek God of the Sea, told The Inertia. “How can I, in good conscience, allow this windfall of waves to go unchecked any longer? I’m not running a socialist ocean here. No handouts. Therefore, I have decided that once this current pulse dies down, California isn’t going to so much as see another head high wave until 2024.”
According to the council’s statement, the back-to-back-to-back Pacific Ocean swells that have produced California’s abundance of barrels in 2021 was nothing more than a “clerical error.” While further details have yet to be released, the Council says they’re organizing an internal committee to investigate the source of the error. Nonetheless, Poseidon’s decision to cut the proverbial faucet for three years is being touted as an unnecessary abuse of power by other deities. Tangaroa, Māori atua of the sea is the most vocal of Poseidon’s opposition, leading a charge of water deities who oppose the move.
“Poseidon’s such a dick,” one surf god who wished to remain anonymous says. “But then again, what’s new? This has been his m.o. since the beginning of time; spiting humans, being vengeful, slamming his trident into the ground and causing earthquakes. It’s like, meditate for a minute, dude.”
The opposition’s challenge, it seems, is that deities like Tangaroa and others in his corner don’t have the same sweeping powers over the ocean that Poseidon wields. Tangaroa mostly oversees the protection of all the sea’s creatures and dabbles in tides – when he’s not busy with river creatures – so sending surfable waves was never really his responsibility.
“I’m a firm believer in surf karma,” Tangaroa told The Inertia. “I do agree with Poseidon that the ocean should deal in checks and balances concerning its distribution of waves. Californian surfers are historically aggro because, as a group, they believe there are always more people in the water than waves. If we give them too much for too long, that could throw off the karmic balance of the surfing universe. Still, I don’t believe you fix that by sentencing an entire state to three years with no waves.”
Enjoy it while it lasts, California.
Editor’s Note: Johnny Utah is an “Eff-Bee-Eye” agent and an expert in works of satire. More of his investigative work can be found here.
