Meet Terry the Pterygium, the Eyeball Slug from Mars. Photo: Wikimedia Commons
A little while ago, I wrote something about pterygiums. The Most Disgusting Thing I’ve Ever Wanted, I said. And while I stand by my word – battle scars will never stop being cool – I’ve come to realize that maybe, just maybe, there are a few people that don’t want the equivalent of a slug growing off of their eyeball.
Pterygiums are pretty dang disgusting: a semi-transparent film slowly begins to cover the eye, resulting in something you might’ve noticed on a lot of surfers. There are often visible blood vessels in there, like tiny red track marks tracing their way throughout. Gross. The causes are under some scrutiny, but it’s widely accepted that excessive exposure to sun, wind, and dust don’t help. For some reason, they’re also more common in white people that spend a lot of time outdoors.
Here’s the thing about these eyeball slugs from Mars: once you have one, there really isn’t too much you can do about it. Surgeons are usually reluctant to put someone under the knife for what amounts to a cosmetic flaw (although there can be some discomfort associated with them). For some reason, this same philosophy seems not to apply to either boobs or noses.
So instead of praising battle scars and wishing I had an eyeball slug of my own, here are a few ways you can avoid getting one. As if you’d want to avoid it.
1. Start wearing sunglasses at birth. Nothing like abstinence to prevent pregnancy, right?
2. Wear goggles under your sunglasses. Sure, you might look like a total weirdo, but dust and wind aren’t getting through two layers of plastic. Ever seen a camel with a pterygium? Me neither. That’s because they have built in goggles called nictitating membranes. Science fact!
3. Use eyedrops. After you get out of the water (if you’re a surfer) or the dust bowl (if you’re Tom Joad), get some eyedrops in those vision orbs. Although Mother Nature has provided you with eyedrops thanks to your lacrimal glands (so much science!), it might not be good enough. Give the ol’ gal a helping hand every now and then. Turns out that every time you got the red out after a high school party with Cheech and Chong, you were also preventing pterygiums. And you thought you were just tricking your parents!
If, for some reason, you haven’t been wearing goggles and sunglasses since you escaped from the womb and you’ve developed an eye slug that is encroaching on your vision, your eye doctor might tell you it’s time to peel that sucker off. Don’t try it yourself. It’s not like a leech, and a lit cigarette and some salt will probably do more damage that good. The procedure is relatively simple, though. Depending on the severity and competency of your surgeon, it’ll take about a half an hour. Bad news, though. They’re pretty likely to come back. Bet you’re wishing you were a camel now, right?
