Part I: The Beginning
In the beginning there were surfers.
Soon the land people looked to the ocean and wanted to replicate the beautiful carving, slashing and flowing movements that these surfers made. These people became known as “skateboarders.”
Skateboarders, as it turned out, were creative and forward thinking people and soon outgrew their surf-inspired moves. They turned their backs to the ocean and they happily flipped and spun on land. Surfers, meanwhile, continued to bury their rails and get barreled as deeply as they could – but only when the weather co-operated.
When the waves were less than ideal and the wind was not offshore a new people emerged. These people also played in the ocean and were like surfers but generally more middle-aged and richer. They used sails to propel themselves through the waves and often soared and looped high above them. They looked down their affluent noses at the surfers as they sat in the water or on the beach, waiting for the ocean to co-operate, and they secretly chastised them for doing so much sitting around. These people were called “windsurfers.”
In the winter these “windsurfers” often put on very tight one-piece suits and raced down mountains on skis with stiff backs to match their upper lips. The skateboarders, being restless and frustrated by winter and wet pavements and the sneering attitudes of the skiers, invented their own sport and called it “snowboarding.” Snowboarding paid homage to the early surf influences, but again – only when conditions were absolutely ideal and the snow fell as beautiful, deep powder. Predictably, the snowboarders soon became tired of waiting for the weather and abandoned their surfy styles. They began launching their baggy bodies into the air like their skateboarding forefathers. Some of the skateboarders began to look at them with disdain as they jumped much higher and spun more vigorously than their forebears. They derided them publicly for being strapped to their boards but secretly they were green with envy behind closed doors.
The Gods of boardsports (who used to all be surfers but were now mainly skaters and snowboarders – but never windsurfers) knew they must act.
And so a child was born to unite the warring families. His name was Shaun White, and his introduction to mortal earth was a great success. The Gods had made sure that he was especially ugly, with grotesque freckles and flowing ginger hair, so as not to arouse too much suspicion.
During this time people still surfed in the same way they always had, but mainly just when the weather co-operated. Many of the surfers began to try these new sports and even enjoyed them in parts, but they knew it was not the same so they returned to waiting for the weather.
The Gods were very pleased with the success of their project to unite snowboarders and skateboarders once again. Shaun White had united both clans and so boosted the commercial popularity of each. The Gods were slightly disappointed that he had made snowboarding competitions somewhat worthless and requested that he win a little less often – or perhaps not enter as many if the first suggestion wasn’t possible. But overall they were very happy with how things had gone.
But still they could not rest.
They tried to ignore their longboards, 8ft guns and long-john wetsuits that had been gathering dust on the rafters for many years. But they lived with a constant sense of guilt that the greatest sport of all had been neglected and left to stagnate, like their dated boards.
And so the surfers waited. They waited for waves. They waited for the wind to go offshore. They waited for the windsurfers and kitesurfers to fuck off since nobody liked them anyway. But most of all, they waited for change. They did not know what this change would be but they knew it had to happen.
And so a child was sent into this confused world. He had piercing eyes and tousled blonde hair and he was born into a surfing mecca to enable him to rescue the noble art. He was so special that they gave him two names.
His name was John John.
John John was not confused; he saw things very clearly. He had such natural ability for surfing that saw it had to change in order to be saved. He loved to ride his skateboard when the waves were less than ideal and realized that surfing should look to its estranged son for salvation. John John turned crumby waves and onshore winds into perfection. He did alley-oops that were so high and clean that other, long forgotten boardsports relatives began to look to surfing again. And John John continued to look back at them for inspiration.
Sons of the Gods were placed on other continents, but they were given only one name to signify that they were lesser beings. Gabriel was sent to South America, Julian was sent to Australasia, and Jordy was sent to Africa. The Gods didn’t bother with anyone in Europe or Asia because they were all on the ASP board and hated these continents.
(It should be noted that there had been other false prophets who had failed in their mission because they were too closely related to the original surfers. These rogue sons all had a degree of success in re-invigorating and changing surfing but they had ultimately let the Gods down. They hated competition and speaking to people, and they enjoyed smoking; soul arches; eating junk food; and drawing with crayons. Their names were Ando, Clay and Dane.)
The real prophets surfed in a different way. They could still bury a rail and get deep in the barrel, but they saw the future in the air. Some say they are trying to get back to where they came from. Others believe that they were showing us where to go.
At first these saviors were lauded and rewarded with perfect 10s in competition. They garnered a great following and were declared to be the future. There was a brief flurry of unconvincing mainstream interest in surfing once again, but then things began to change. Some people missed the old ways and opinions became split. There were those who believed in aerial surfing and those who did not.
Great things happened in competitions and free surfs around the globe. Alley-oops of epic proportions echoed through the world’s surf and mainstream media. Air reverses became full rotation spins, performed far above the lip and landed cleanly on the open face. And then came the flips. And before anyone realized the severity of the changes or the implications for the noble art, surfing had become two distinct factions.
The surfing world rocks and splits, and only John John can save it.
Part 2 of The Rise and Fall of Surfing: A Prophecy dropping next week. Prepare yourselves.
