Dear Zoltan, I hear you’re back on thee scene. I’d love to say I’ve missed you, but I’m afraid that would be a lie. Rather, I am concerned for your well-being.
Remember when we first connected a few years ago? We couldn’t agree. Things ended on a bit of a sour note, if I recall. It was unpleasant. I hoped you’d managed to move on, but evidently, that’s not the case.
Well, I’d like to tie up some loose ends.
I see you’re still at the kickflips. How’s that going for you? Still having fun, yeah?
I’ll be honest, Zolty (can I call you Zolty?) I still don’t get it. I wish I could say my feelings have changed. I wish yours had. If anything, seeing the culmination of six more years of knee-high whitewater fumbling has only strengthened my conviction.
I’m worried about you, Zolty.
Back then I compared your kickflip attempts to Duct-taping a banana to a cat’s face. Neither the banana nor the cat has anything to gain. It’s a damned ugly shame.
Of course, I can’t do kickflips; I’ve never tried. I’m sorry if that makes me a bad person. Perhaps we both need to grow, but I suspect it’s still mainly you.
Take a break, Zolty. Relax. Free yourself from the kickflip, do some turns. (They’re the ones where you put your rail in the water).
To your credit, you’re nothing if not persistent.
I can’t imagine how miserable things have been for you for the past six years. Endless repetitions of pumping down the line and kicking your board out like you’ve suffered a mid-air seizure must be abject misery. I know Volcom (in their infinite wisdom and real core values) encouraged this by conceding to give you 10gs in the first place, but, man, there comes a time when you just need to give everyone a break, mostly yourself.
Is it just about the money? Can I help? I don’t have much, but I’d do what I can. I mean, you could literally have made another $10k by sitting outside the Volcom headquarters with a paper cup for the past six years. (Your ankles would have thanked you, too).
Please don’t take this as criticism. It’s more of an…intervention. If you can’t enjoy surfing responsibly then maybe don’t surf at all. At least take an extended hiatus, get some perspective.
Are kickflip attempts seriously what you’ve been doing all this time?
Do we need to go over this again? Kickflips are a SKATEBOARD trick. There’s a reason you’re the only one trying them. I’m going to be blunt: They look like shit. Everyone knows they look like shit.
(Don’t get me started on your “darkslides”. Everyone can see they’re just failed kickflips. When you over-boil eggs you don’t call them fucking golf balls, do you?).
Sorry for cursing. I don’t mean to be aggressive. I want to understand. I do.
Maybe it’s time to re-evaluate, Zolty Baby. (Can I call you Zolty Baby?)
I would hope that if I started turning up to basketball practice wearing a scuba tank someone might pass comment. And I’m sure that if I left the house wearing cocktail sausages for earrings those close to me might have the good grace to steer me on the correct path.
I’m sorry if this comes across as harsh, Zolty Baby, but I promise I’ve only got your best interests at heart. No one else seems to be giving you any advice. I’m trying to help you, I’m trying to help surfing. And I’m desperately trying to help save surfing from your kickflip.
Editor’s Note: Opinions expressed by contributors are their own.
