Ethan Ewing will be ready with, or without, a sex bed. Photo: Pablo Jimenez//ISA
The Olympic surfing competition coming up at Teahupo’o later this week will look much different than WSL Championship Tour contests. Out with Christian iconography and coaches and surfers in the channel. In with secret service agents, freesurfing slots, tattoos and sex beds. The following is how the Olympics will differ from the CT.
Out with…
Crucifixion sprays
Not that the Championship Tour is awash with Christian iconography, but it’s always nice to know that it’s there if the surfers need it. Not in the very secular Olympics though. The IOC’s remit is “no kind of demonstration or political, religious or racial propaganda is permitted in any Olympic sites, venues or other areas.’’ That meant Joao Chianca had to remove his Rio-inspired Christ the Redeemer graphics from his quiver. Carissa too, we’ve heard, had to rethink her Satan sprays. We aren’t sure about Caroline’s Marxism. With sponsor’s logos also banned, expect clean, logo-free boards, not seen since Tom Curren won the Hyland Pro at Haleiwa back in 1991 (Google it kids).
Coaches
Unlike the Tahiti Pro, where the surf coaches are in the channel, and provide immediate feedback after each wave, they are banned from the water. Instead, they will be stuck on the cruise ship watching the broadcast, five miles northwest of Teahupo’o, or getting a tattoo (more on that later). Sure, surfers are used to competing without coaches in the water, but Teahup’o was one of the few places where that was possible and perhaps needed the most.
The Flotilla
Coaches won’t be the only ones missing out. The whole usual flotilla that jams the reef pass during CT events will largely be absent. Olympic regulations will clear the water in the name of safety, leaving a few Olympic dedicated press boats, athletes, and their official minders, and that’s about it. That includes athletes in upcoming heats. ‘‘Normally we can just drive a Jet Ski or a boat to the lineup whenever we want to watch heats and hang around Teahupo’o,’’ Molly Picklum told the Sydney Morning Herald. ‘‘Just to get a feel and you feel the energy even by just watching it. This time police and security are guarding it every single day from the (time) we land. It’s just really strict. We can’t get out there to watch heats.’’
And in with…
Tattoo Parlors
In a series of firsts, The Aranui 5 cruise ship is not only the world’s first Olympic Floating Village but also has the first, “tattoo studio at sea.” You’d think that would be a license to print money, given Olympic athletes’ compulsive need to draw five rings on their bodies at any opportunity. The Aussies, aka the Irukunjis, and Team USA, will miss out on the ink, having coughed up to stay on land for the duration.
Secret Service Agents
“If may feel like we’re in paradise. But things can happen anywhere, even in paradise,” Mike Bjelajac told USA Today. The 46-year-old Wisconsin native is the State Department’s Diplomatic Security Service (DSS) agent assigned to protect Caroline Marks, Carissa Moore, Caity Simmers, Griffin Colapinto, and John John Florence in Tahiti. They should be in safe hands. The DSS is a sister agency to the U.S. Secret Service and Bjelajac has guarded former Secretaries of State Hillary Clinton and John Kerry. Bjelajac wasn’t allowed to say if he would be armed, or reveal any of his tactics. But if someone doesn’t make a b-grade Hollywood movie starring Mathew McConaughey as the operative, our world is doomed.
Freesurfing Slots
While the Teahupo’o lineup will be cleared except for Olympic surfers for five days before the start of the window on July 28, the athletes will get allocated sessions to train. Rain, hail, onshore, swell or sun, each country’s surfers will get a slot, and surf in whatever conditions prevail.
Sex Beds
The Olympic Village in Paris has recyclable single beds made from cardboard, like the ones first used in Tokyo. These were dubbed “anti-sex beds” after American track and field runner Paul Chelimo claimed the beds were aimed at avoiding intimacy among athletes. Not in Tahiti though. Posts on the cruise ships by athletes Kanoa Igarashi and Yolanda Hopkins show traditional “sex beds” in the cabins, and we can assume the same goes on land.
Shaper’s Logos
Those surfers of a certain vintage will remember when shapers’ logos took the prime real estate on the best surfers’ surfboards The big R. of the Rusty, Channel Island’s Hex logo, or The A of Aloha, to name a few, were the dominant graphic. The surf brands, and their big athlete contracts, took over and have owned the space for two decades. Except for two weeks in the Olympics when the shapers, finally, get their own space. The logo won’t be on the nose but will be at least standalone. About bloody time.
