Johnny Utah is not a fan of North Shore. At all.
You know who’s a real punk? Rick Kane. Chandler, too. Burkhart, especially, and don’t even get me started on Vince, with his perfectly-groomed beard and that thousand-yard stare. The whole crew from North Shore are all punks, in fact – aside from Turtle, and that’s only because no one ever listened to him. You wanna talk bad-asses? Let’s talk Point Break. Let’s talk about Bodhi with that windswept mane. Let’s talk about Pappas and Rosy and Tyler. Let’s talk about me, Johnny fuckin’ Utah. North Shore’s got nothing on us. We’ve got bank robbing and skydiving and kidnapping and surfing. What’s North Shore got? Surfing. That’s it. Surfing and Laird Hamilton dressed up in spiral bodypaint.
For a long time, I refused to watch it out of spite. North Shore is, after all, probably Point Break’s biggest contender for best Hollywood surf movie ever, and as the star of PB, I’m not pretending I wasn’t biased. But finally, on a drunken night around the fire with Grommet and Roach, they convinced me to watch it. Funny how we all became friends — I thought that after Bodhi died (supposedly), we’d go our separate ways, but Roach found me on LinkedIn and we all reconnected. He was looking to build a crew on there, which I found odd. But I’m not an EF-BEE-EYE agent anymore. Anyway, we all got shit-faced and Grommet pulled out an old VHS of North Shore and hassled me until I finally agreed to watch.
Putting my obvious allegiance to the PB story aside, are you kidding me with this shit? Are we really supposed to believe that Rick Kane could go from a Tempe wave pool to being one of the most respected guys out at Pipeline in a few months? I learned to surf on a pegboard piece of shit. I learned to surf because I’d been doing things for other people my whole life: I played football and went to law school for my parents. I’m a big hero to my folks, right? But then they were killed in a car wreck. Your whole life changes. Suddenly, I realized that all of my goals had been their goals. I hadn’t been living my own life, so I wanted something for myself. That’s what I told Tyler, anyway, and she totally fell for it. But Rick Kane? He wins a measly $500 and goes out to surf “the big waves of the North Shore?” Pay your dues, kid. Then come talk to me.
Look, I’m not saying North Shore is a bad movie. I’m just saying it doesn’t hold a candle to PB. It’s not believable, you know? And the characters are all horribly unlikable (except Turtle). You really think Chandler would just take Rick in? Just take some stranger into his house with his young daughter and pretty wife? Better you go home, Barney, because there’s no way. Let’s talk about Chandler for a minute. Who the hell does he think he is, only shaping boards one way? “The right way?” What kind of shaper doesn’t listen to the client? A bad one, that’s what kind. Burkhart didn’t want an old man’s board, Chandler. He’s a paying customer, and you just flat out refuse to make him the board he wants? Who are you to dictate how Burkhart surfs? Sanctimonious dickhead.
That’s all I got. I wanted to get it off my chest. Next time you get in an argument with someone about whether Point Break or North Shore is better (at least once a week, right?) you can point them to this and tell them their opinion is wrong. Tell them to go watch Point Break again because if you want the ultimate, you’ve got to be willing to pay the ultimate price.
Editor’s Note: Johnny Utah is an “Eff-Bee-Eye” agent and an expert in works of satire. More of his investigative work can be found here.
