As surfing is my chosen religion, I will require a few additional vacation days for swell events. (Best to keep the ACLU out of it; don't you think?)
Dear Hiring Manager,
As you can plainly see from my attached resume, I am highly qualified for the position you have been advertising for the last 14 months. I have many years experience in exactly the software you are using, and I believe I would be an asset to your staff.
There are a few items that I would like to point out for your edification regarding my skills as it pertains to this position.
I am an early riser.
I wasn’t always, but the combination of years of my wife getting up insanely early every morning with a smiling face and a “shot from guns” attitude and our cat that sleeps all day and then demands to be feed every two hours thru the night has ruined any chance of sleeping past 5 am ever again.
I won’t be available to come to work that early because of the following “life style choices” I have made:
I require that I have time to surf for a couple of hours or at least check it every weekday morning. If conditions are truly dreadful I have a blog, on which I post the worst possible drivel, usually sandwiched in between pictures stolen from The Daily Bread.
So surfing and blogging will take up the early morning hours.
That shouldn’t be too much of an issue as I am fairly worthless in the early morning hours anyway since I have been cutting back on coffee.
Around 10ish I take some time for my yoga practice and then a full hour of Zen meditation. Just sitting, shikantanza style, thank you very much.
Either that or I surf the net for a couple of hours. (Twitter is the crack cocaine of the naughts!)
That gets us up to lunch.
I will require a Wahoo’s number one combination plate, one grilled fish taco, black beans, water with a lemon slice to drink.
After lunch I like to take a nap.
I have found that a “power nap” at the beginning of the afternoon invigorates me for the rest of the workday.
So from about 2:30 to 3:00 I will be available to accomplish whatever tasks you would like me to attend to in your dynamic, forward thinking, Web 2.0, customer-centric work environment!
I usually try to knock off around 3:20 to be home in time for 4:20.
So not too much of a commute, OK?
I would prefer something within biking distance of Costa Mesa.
Better still would be if you paid for a high speed (I’m thinking T1) Internet connection to my house.
Now that we have covered the basics let’s take a look at some of the “special needs” I have.
If there is a decent swell in the water I may need to take a few days to “deeply appreciate the bountiful harvest” that nature has provided. As this is my chosen religion preference, I assume that some additional vacation days can be part of my contract. (Best to keep the ACLU and Gloria Allred out of it, don’t you think?)
The number of extra days will vary season by season. Winter, for instance will have a number of additional days required due to the additional Aleutian Juice available. Additional “travel days” will be required during the winter months as most of the local sites suffer from “island blockage.” Spring can be a busy time for me –but once again this varies year to year. Summer can be very good, and once again may require “travel days.” (I would like to discuss trading some week work days for those useless weekend summer days.) Fall may be my busiest time of year. If combo swells are accompanied by the Diablo winds, I may be unavailable for extended periods. All part of a well rounded work/life balance!
As far as compensation goes, I assure you that, while I don’t come cheap, you get what you pay for!
At this point let’s just say we are talking about mid-six figures and leave the negotiations for later.
Best regards,
Prana Glider
