I got hit by a car on my first 4th of July in Newport Beach, California. Well, actually it happened in Balboa but lets not get caught up in semantics. I was sixteen and skating through one of those crosswalks that doesn’t have stop lights. You know, the ones where drivers see pedestrians and just kind of…stop. Well, sometimes, drivers on the opposite side of the street don’t stop. In fact, they might just drive right through the crosswalk while you’re skating and flip your poor, skinny body up onto the hood of their car, then slam on the breaks and fling whatever is left of you all the way to the crosswalk the opposite side of the intersection. Think Superbad. Oh that’s dramatic? No, that happened and clearly, I am still jarred.
The point of that story is that I articulate the reality that July 4th in Newport Beach is one of America’s biggest beach parties. But disaster can strike if you don’t show up in Orange County with your head on a swivel. So, here it is. My attempt to somehow prepare readers for the pure anarchy that characterizes Newport Beach on the 4th of July.
First off, you are not going to be the hottest person on the peninsula. In fact, you will be completely overwhelmed by the amount of prettiness in one place. No amount of Baywatch or Gold’s Gym posters could prepare you for the tanned, toned, nearly mythological looking men and women who have come to celebrate amongst you (not with you).
And that leads to the second point: FOMO. You will be around a lot of people having a great time, having, what appears to be, the time of their lives. This might cause an adverse reaction wherein you think: Why are they having so much fun? Why don’t we go where they are going? Do you think they would mind if we tagged along? Why did I eat a hotdog, a burger, ribs and mac-n-cheese for lunch? (I’m still hungry.) Is all existence just the fleeting dream of a creature in another universe who will soon wake? Don’t worry, you are fine. You and your friends are cool. You will have a good time no matter what.
Yes, you will have fun, but at least some preparation is necessary. Driving in Newport on the 4th is horrible. Honestly, I hesitate to even call it driving because I think your car needs to be in motion to use that word. And because this year’s holiday follows a weekend, I’ll bet traffic for the entire three day event is going to be a lesson in neurosis. Do yourself a favor: think ahead and buy your drinks, food, blow up pools, slip-n-slides etc. now.
Also, have a tentative plan on what you want to do and where you want to go. It might be easy to think you’ll just wing it and find something fun to do. But with entire prides of bike cops roaming the streets, who can and will give you public intoxication, consumption and BUI tickets, you’re better off always having a starting point and a fallback…at the minimum.
Lastly, common sense. Everyone in this town is going to be under the influence of something: drugs, alcohol, sleep deprivation, family overload, a cocktail of American Pride and Freedom…be in state of Code Yellow (maybe don’t carry a gun though). Also, don’t assume cars are going to stop for you (see above introduction) and don’t worry about finding a fireworks show. There will literally be one a half mile north or south of you every 30 minutes after 10 p.m.
Let’s celebrate that America is great now, because in at least a few ways, it is. Maybe find a way to sneak in a few waves as a reminder that you live in a pretty amazing place. But most important stay safe.
