Don’t be sad. You get to act like an adult now. Photo: Brian Aitkenhead//Unsplash
Surfers never choose to stop riding waves, and when not in the water, they never stop thinking about surfing. While most vices sneak up on us, ours is an epic addiction we willingly give ourselves to.
But what happens when surfing is stolen from us and we can’t ride waves because of injury, a move inland, or other unforeseen catastrophes? For myself, it started out as a duck dive through drudgery. I watched the ripples lap at the beach. I checked the surf report out of habit and ended up mind-surfing the cams of far-off islands. I woke up dreaming of being clocked by a closeout – and felt the innate oceanic force that drove me to get up in the dark, pull on cold rubber and grab my board, draining away.
But then something clicked and I realized that this whole addiction thing is a sham. We need surfing about as much as it needs us. Here’s why a withdrawal from surfing is the best thing for your tired arms, obsessed mind and unwashed board shorts.
You Can Stop Being a Heartthrob
We all know it: surfers are the most desired creatures on the planet. Take a break from the hustle, lose the tan and the muscle, snap into a can of Pringles and join the rest of the world in hopeless, lonely confusion and marginally successful Tinder dates.
You Can Stop Peeing in your Wetsuit
There’s something obscenely wrong with a group of adults bobbing and chatting as they pee their pants in silent dignity. Now you can focus on awkwardly chatting with co-workers in the office bathroom, which is much better.
You Can Stop Being an Asshole
We know, your family surfed here before Earth was a planet, and your mom’s taught you how to toss a sander through a kook’s window while your little sister Koral watched out for the lifeguards. Burning everyone may be your birth right, but what if instead, you took the straight path and became a car salesman, an insurance salesman or a stockbroker?
You Can Clean Your Car – and your Ears
Your beat-up Westy has that refreshingly moldy wetsuit scent, your trunk’s dusted in seaweed and sand, and your left eardrum’s been humming since the ’90s. Besides, who likes a rapid heartbeat, adrenaline and exercise? Just get in an Uber and watch Netflix on your phone on the way to Taco Bell and get extra hot sauce. Now that’s extreme!
You Can Toss the Tattoos
Dude, it’s not that we don’t all totally dig the the dolphin inside the wave inside the shark inside the heart; it’s just that we also think you look like a lunatic. And can you please stop asking us if we “dig da tats, Bra?”
You Get to Dress Normal
After a few days off the wave sauce, you’ll take a glassy gander in the mirror and realize that regardless of age or gender you look like a nine-year-old on the last day of school. Flip flops, boardshorts and hoodies, unwashed hair and if you’re a lucky guy, a creepily uneven mustache. Your short wide pants and long socks can’t save you, but maybe The Gap and J. Crew can help you slip into stylistic mediocrity.
You Can Take the Wetsuit Off for Good
Finally, you can stop claiming you enjoy stuffing your body into a skin-tight neoprene sack and venturing into public. No one wants to see that! In a few days, you’ll be shocked, one, that you ever did such a thing, and two, that you and your crew weren’t arrested for indecent exposure.
You Don’t Have to Wear Vans Anymore
We know you’re an individual, and that’s why you express yourself with the exact same pair of slip-ons as your best friend, your romantic partner, your electrician, your gardener, and your kid. Just because you can’t tie your shoes doesn’t mean there aren’t options for you. We hear they’re doing wonderful things with Velcro these days.
You Don’t Have to Pretend to like the Ukulele Anymore
The moment a surfer retires, a single ukulele twirls on down to hell to chime delicately every time a rollerblader crashes into a wall or an electric skateboard starts its engine. Be the change you want to see in the world. Stop gentle island ear crime.
You Can Finally Change Your Kid’s Names
When your ripping days are done, you’ll suddenly turn to Brody, Bodi, Cove, Sunny, Kai, Curren, Occy, Slater and Splash and realize there is one clear reason your children hate you.
You Can Stop Wearing Flat Brims
Brims are meant to be curved. It’s actually in the Constitution, which also states that thou shall take thee Red Bull stickers off your truck, Brah.
You Don’t Have to Pretend to Like Jack Johnson Anymore
You’re off the hook. No more Bubble Toes or La La La Da Da croonin’ while you’re spoonin.’ Besides, most people want their tunes served up light on the instruments, beachy vibes and identity, but heavy on the team, brand, and soulless auto-tuned Spotify singles.
You Can Get a Real Job
What is it you do again, write about surfing? Such a martyr. You’re really giving back, huh? Or do you sell intricate drawings of the ocean while serving surfers overpriced omelets at the Swell Café? Now you can finally enjoy all the fun and intrigue of a real corporate job as it slowly sucks your soul down into the fiery pits of hell. Enjoy, and never stop surfing if you know what’s good for you.
