Listening to a TED talk about how to have better conversations recently taught me how terrible I am at listening. Suddenly, shutting up, talking about myself less, and being less eager to add my own experiences into conversations became a focus of mine. But can I actually just shut up for a second? Well, not easily. It’s something that’s going to take practice. While some people meet in cafes and libraries to practice other languages, I need to meet people to practice keeping my mind off myself.
But then I think about surfing. Such fertile water for selfish thinking. It’s all about me. Other surfers become pieces in a game I negotiate. In surfing, there are rules to follow and as long as I do, I can catch as many waves as possible. I win if I outsmart the other pawns paddling around me, see the outside set first, move into position first, and get the best waves.
Like a good conversation, the overall experience is enriched when the pawns are treated like actual people and when I listen to who they are and stop making it about me. To surf with them instead of around them might be better than getting the best waves.
Research shows that volunteering can make people happier. Doing something for others makes us feel better than doing something for ourselves. Simply put, giving is better than receiving and when we paddle out for a given session we are typically doing so to “get.” Get waves. I admit, when I get a lot of great waves I feel pretty good. When I pay attention to others around me, however, my experience becomes richer.
So the next time you’re in the lineup, take your eyes off the horizon for a second and look around. Who do you see? A 20-something on a shortboard trying to kill it on every wave? He or she is probably trying to catch more waves than you. Watch them closely and even be complimentary of them if and when you get the chance. You’ll make them feel good, sure, and you’ll also decrease the likelihood of a paddle battle when the next wave comes around. Of course, that’s not the point of this all but it’s certainly a nice bonus. Ok, who else is in this lineup? That old guy on a longboard? Give him a good wave if you can. It’s like holding the door for a stranger. It might set you back a beat but you would kind of be a dick if you didn’t. And then there’s the beginner who is always so easily hated, even though none of us were born surfing either. We easily forget what it is like to struggle with the basic stuff like scratching to paddle out the back. If they are pissing off everyone in the lineup, help them out. Give them a few tips and a little bit of encouragement. To everybody else in the lineup, throw out some hoots here and there when somebody finds their way into a good wave. Do simple things like saying hello, acknowledge the other human beings around you, pay attention to all these people you are sharing waves with, and don’t act as if they aren’t all right there. Surfing in a crowded lineup is like entering a conversation of sorts with everybody else in the water. We communicate through our subtle movements and not-so-subtle language. When you make the conversation about you, telling more stories than listening, you are missing out. You don’t have to get all the waves to have a good time. There is a deeper experience to be had.
