It’s the stank. Don’t do it. Photo: Victor Freitas
Dudes, sit down. We need to have a serious talk about men’s fashion. Specifically, the intersection between men’s boardshorts and workout attire. This intersection should not exist. These two fashions are one-way streets on opposite sides of Fashion City. At no point should they be meeting for a salty embrace under the bench press. Am I the fashion police here to tell you how to dress? No – most days I look like I walked out of a PacSun circa 2004, so I can’t really claim any fashion authority. But I can warn you that your trunks are more likely to make you the most rank guy at the gym.
Maintaining your fashion sense while sweating is an undeniable trend. If you look good while working out, the thinking goes, then you feel better about yourself and push yourself harder. As a result, guys seem to be drawn to the fun and creative patterns boardshorts offer as opposed to the traditional training shorts. For many, they have become a go-to short for non-aquatic athletic activities.
But, despite being designed for surfing, a physically demanding sport, boardies are not meant for traditional exercise. If you look on the care label of your favorite trunks, you will notice they are made of tons of polyester and a small amount of various stretchy materials (typically elastic, spandex, or whatever the stuff Felipe Toledo’s yoga instructor’s garb is made of). This combination is great for surfing since it gives you a lightweight and flexible short able to withstand all manners of ripping. These also seem like the exact traits you would want out of a workout short – so why look elsewhere?
Because boardshorts turn the lower half of your body into a Petri dish. Polyester famously does not breathe, so wearing it while you sweat invites a party wave of odorous compounds onto your nether regions. They also are not cut like a traditional training short, so there is less airflow moving through your undercarriage. This greatly increases your chances of people looking at you the same way they look at rotting shellfish.
Thanks to the particular body parts that are suffocating, the stench that someone in boardshorts can generate while working out is much worse than typical BO. You already know the aroma – an intoxicating blend of armpit and ass that forces crowded rooms to choke back vomit. Somehow, the originator of this smell usually does not seem to realize how disgusting he is and is unable to pick up on the social cues from everyone around him. If people around you always keep their distance and recoil in horror at your presence, then it’s a safe bet that you either reek or are part of the surf school flooding my local break.
Aside from being a social pariah, continuing to invite the Florida Everglades into your pants could lead to skin problems. Rashes, acne, and fungus may not smell bad, but they are going to look and feel super gnarly in the exact places you do not want to look and feel super gnarly. It would be difficult to explain to your Tinder date that your situation downstairs is a result of your dedication to the weight room and not an STD. Love is temporary, but herpes is forever.
Are all men that wear boardshorts to exercise stank dudes with STD-like symptoms? No. Boardshorts do not instantly transform you into the most offensive guy in the gym, but they do set you up to fail. Regardless of if you are a funk-prone person or not, it’s common courtesy to try your best to avoid being compared to a dead pile of seaweed. So, do yourself and everyone else around you a favor and save your boardshorts for the beach. It’s hard to maintain that athletic fashionista aesthetic when you smell like a rank gym sock.
