If you’re going glam, might as well grab some Chanel surf gear to accompany. Photo: Chanel
The next time you find yourself balking at paying $65 for a pair of boardshorts, throw back your head and laugh. Yes, laugh. Because some people pay quite a bit more (or at least some brands think they will) for the privilege of looking or feeling like a surfer. At least between the knees and the belly button, anyway.
For frame of reference, boardies from Kelly Slater’s luxe brand Outerknown top out at $135. And most big surf companies sell their highest-end boardies for upwards of $150, like this $200 pair from Quiksilver. But the trunks on this list go for well, well north of that. They place their wearers in a whole other Trump-ian income bracket. And you won’t believe the patterns — just wait and see. Follow us down this bizarre and amusing rabbit hole, it’ll be fun.
1. Givenchy, $238 (Marked down from $595)
Marked down from $595, these subtle boardies can be yours for a mere $238. As with all the shorts in this list, you might think the exorbitant price of this pair stems from super-technical features and ultra-modern materials. Nope. They’re pretty much all made from regular-ass nylon and lack anything that might be described as a feature, except for how they’d play poolside in Monte Carlo. This pair does have the bonus of appearing like Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ” is being projected next to your genitals. It’s a sharp look!
“Christ.” The only word to describe these $298 Givenchy boardshorts. Photo: Lyst
2. Orlebar Brown, $360
Some items in this article may not fit your desciption of boardshorts (which generally have a non-elastic yoked waist and fly enclosure). But that doesn’t stop their designers from marketing them as such. Read Orlebay Brown’s breathless description of these $360 lookers: “The inside of our shorts contains a mesh-net lining, so you can hop on a surfboard, play tennis, swim or just lounge around on the beach in perfect safety. Plus we have a zip fly and a metal popper enclosure, so there really shall be no escape.”
The only thing you’ll need to escape is the fashion police, amiright!?
Is that Wilko’s latest boardie model? Photo: Orlebar Brown
3. Thom Browne, $430
If you actually like the shorts on this list, you oughta shop at Lyst.com, apparently the world’s foremost retailer of laughably expensive, appallingly hideous boardshorts. Many of the beauties from this article can be found there, and this gross pair selling for a modest $430 is no exception. If you’re looking for boardies that easily go from the beach to the Thai boxing ring, look no further.
Finally, boardies that easily go from the beach to the Thai boxing ring, for an affordable $430.
Photo: Lyst
4. Givenchy, $245
If you think some designs from big surf brands are overly loud, have a gander at this pair of $245, booger-colored trunks (marked down from $490!). Could you expect anything less from Givenchy, renowned purveyor of weird, expensive shit?
If booger-hued clothes look great with your skin tone, consider this $245 pair from Givenchy. Photo: Lyst
5. Valentino, $390
For a paltry $390, these Valentino shorts let you wrap your buttocks and scrotum in all the characters of “The Jungle Book.”
With these shorts, “The Jungle Book” will never be far from your reproductive organs. Photo: Lyst
