The news was released on April 1st.
PYONGYANG, North Korea — International Olympic Committee President Thomas Bach met with North Korea’s Kim Jong Un and Kelly Slater of Kelly Slater Wave Co this week to discuss venue options for the upcoming 2020 Olympic Games in Tokyo.
“After much discussion, the Supreme Leader, the IOC, and Kelly Slater Wave Co. have reached an agreement regarding the Olympic Games,” IOC/North Korean spokesman Dennis Rodman said during a press conference. “With Kim’s unparalleled nuclear strength and Kelly Slater’s ground-breaking wave pool technology, joining forces to create the world’s first nuclear-fission powered wave pool only makes sense. The International Olympic Committee has agreed to use the technology as the playing field for surfing’s inaugural showing on an Olympic stage.”
Kelly Slater didn’t actually weigh in on the exciting new project. “I mean, yeah, we could use regular power from the sun or coal or whatever,” he would have said if this was real, “but I think we all know just how much cooler a nuclear-powered wave pool is. I mean, splitting atoms to make waves? Yes!”
The energy is generated by a containment structure containing control rods in a reactor vessel. In that vessel, uranium atoms are split—a process called fission—which creates vast amounts of steam. That steam is then funnelled to a turbine, which creates electricity in a generator. In the regular nuclear process, the power generated goes from that generator into transmission lines and into the power grid, but with the KSWC/NK plant, that generator is devoted to wave creation. That means, of course, that the wave created can be much larger and much longer than the one at the Lemoore pool.
This is not real.
According to reports, talks between Bach, Kim, and Slater have been underway for months. It wasn’t until a half-sized demonstration pool was created that the IOC was able to fully consider a KSWC/NK partnership. The demo pool, located in the Hamgyŏng province of North Korea, is similar in size to an existing pool Slater created in Lemoore, CA. While the Lemoore pool is powered by electricity generated at solar farms in Northern and Central California, the Hamgyŏng pool uses energy from a nuclear power plant built solely for the Games. Construction on the full-sized model begins next week and is slated to be 50 miles long.
While North Korean news outlets haven’t released video, it appears that Kim Jong Un himself demonstrated his surfing prowess in the Hamgyŏng demonstration pool. “It was incredible,” one unnamed source said. “I’ve never seen anything like it. Kim took off, got barreled, did a 20-foot air reverse, then stalled for the barrel again. Once inside, he completed an el rollo followed by the most stylish soul carve I’ve ever seen. Kelly Slater is apparently thinking of giving Kim all 11 of his world titles. The Supreme Leader is just that good at surfing.”
Editor’s Note: April Fool’s!
