When an intervention is the only option left. Photo: Photoholgic//Unsplash
Editor’s Note: Believe it or not, The Inertia receives countless questions about relationships and shredding. So many, in fact, that we decided to commission longtime columnist Johnny Utah to answer them in a semi-monthly advice column, Ask Johnny Utah.
Dear Johnny Utah,
I’ve got this friend that I surf with who steals everyone’s waves. It doesn’t matter who’s in position – seasoned local, experienced surfer, beginner, or child – if he sees a wave he wants, he’ll burn you. The guy doesn’t even check his shoulder before taking off to see if someone is already on the wave. He just goes.
I’ve confronted him about this a few times, explaining that his actions are the worst thing a surfer could do and that everyone else is furious with him. His answer is always the same – he’s going to take whatever wave he wants and doesn’t care if other surfers are angry with him. To my friend, this is totally acceptable behavior. Is there any way I can get him to change his ways?
– Mad in Mission Beach
Dear Mad,
Here’s what you’re going to do: invite your friend out for a nice steak dinner. Classy place. The type of establishment with crisp tablecloths, thick white napkins that feel expensive, and the perfect amount of low lighting that makes everyone look sexy as hell while stuffing their faces full of expensive bovine.
Order two steaks along with a bottle of red wine. Then, say you know the chef and invite your friend to follow you into the kitchen. You don’t actually need to know the chef, just say that you do.
Once inside the kitchen, locate the walk-in refrigerator. MAKE SURE IT HAS A WINDOW – this is crucial to the plan. Open the refrigerator door and say something rich people that routinely drop $120 on steak commonly say like, “Oh Bartholomew! Feast thine eyes upon the most delectable carrot cake you have ever seen! Better than the one we had in Brussels! We absolutely must have some before we devise a new way to commit tax fraud.”
Your surf buddy won’t know what the hell you’re talking about – he’s never been to Brussels, nor is he likely named Bartholomew. But he will be too curious and, at this point, too frightened to walk away. He will slowly enter the walk-in fridge.
This is when you shut the door behind him and lock it. Tight. Then say to him in your gruffest, sexiest voice that implies abundant facial hair, “You keep burning people, so I needed to….cool you off.” If you brought sunglasses into this darkly lit restaurant, now is the time to put them on.
Your friend will bang on the door for a bit, horrified you’ve done such a thing. Why would a friend lock his trusted surfing cohort in a chilly room kept at exactly 35 degrees?
Because your surf buddy is a god damn demon. And you didn’t come here for a nice steak dinner – you came here for an exorcism.
I’ve read the Bible – well, okay, I read a knock-off Bible that I bought from a guy named Hans in Guadalajara. It was called Praise Hard 2: A Good Day to Pray Hard. I’m pretty sure it was the working title for the New Testament. Anyway, so Praise Hard 2 has this story in it about how the only way to properly exorcise a malignant spirit is to lock it in a cold room and wait until the beast reveals itself from the host.
This is where the window comes in. You and the kitchen staff can gather around and see what sort of Drop-In Demon lives inside of your friend. One of three things will happen:
–Beelzebub himself will appear, determined to take your soul on a ride to surfing hell via Rob Zombie’s new, all-electric Dragula. If this happens, splash The Devil with Mexican lager in a cross pattern while screaming “THE POWER OF CHRIS COTE COMPELS YOU” to complete the exorcism.
–Your friend tells you he is actually Gabriel Medina. You’re friends with Gabby! So cool! Who knew?
–Your “friend” pulls his mask off, revealing himself to be Charlie Chettington, the angry local that smashes bottles in the beach parking lot, threatens teenagers with his Natural Ice fueled muscles, and who everyone agrees would be better off getting devoured by piranhas in a sewer. He will tell you that he was plotting to steal all the waves for himself – and that he would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling kids and that stupid dog.
No matter who appears, leave them in the walk-in and go find new friends to surf with – preferably some that are not possessed and/or have a mysterious hatred of Caio Ibelli. Remember to tip the wait staff generously (well over 20 percent – don’t be cheap, they just assisted you with an exorcism). And don’t forget a to-go box for your steak.
Editor’s Note: If you didn’t figure out this was satire within the first few sentences, shoot us a note and we’ll immediately send someone to hit you over the head with a frying pan.
