The Olymipics at Teahupo’o. What could possibly go wrong? Photo: Ted Grambeau.
With the recent news of Brazil’s Gabriel Medina winning the 2024 ISA World Surfing Games in Puerto Rico in spectacular fashion, it’s time again to talk about the Olympics. With his decisive victory, Medina clinched a spot on the Brazilian Olympic team, joining five other countrymen and women who’ve already qualified to represent their powerhouse nation when the surfing event commences at Teahupo’o on July 27.
Medina will be jousting alongside 10 other WSL Championship Tour surfers for top honors in what ISA shōgun Fernando Aguerre and his fellow event organizers are hoping will be bluebird conditions at the fearsome Tahitian reef break for at least four days out of a nine-day waiting period. Bluebird, as in glassy, grinding, 15-foot-plus barrels. Conditions which will summarily eliminate virtually all the other qualifying surfers, both men and women, from what are being termed “non-major” surfing nations, before they even jump off the boat. But hey, I’m getting ahead of myself here.
I was recently contacted by a European documentary company examining various aspects of the Olympic surfing event in Tahiti. Looking for some perspective, a bit of Teahupo’o history, informed opinion, that sort of thing. While happy to oblige, I felt it was only fair to let them know right from the start that I’ve never been a big supporter of Olympic surfing. This suited them just fine, they said, objective content being the hallmark of good documentary filmmaking.
“Let’s start with history,” the producer said. “What makes Teahupo’o so special?”
I launched into the familiar spiel: Super gnarly Tahitian reef pass on steroids, performance parameters first set by super-bodyboarder Mike Stewart back in the 1980s, earthshaking Cory Lopez SURFER cover shot, Laird’s paradigm-shifting “Millennium Wave,” “Code Red” madness, Tahitian dominance, both men and women (talking about you, Vahine); coral reef bathymetry, Garrett McNamara’s “Hand of God” theory as to why more people don’t die there, the fact that a surfer has died here, and many more have been injured; on a big day, one of the planet’s most amazing surfing spectacles. And all of this happening in a tiny, incredibly picturesque fishing village, located literally at the end of the road on Tahiti Iti.
I figured I’d pretty much provided everything they needed. Not only that, but giving, for the very first time, at least the appearance of supporting the Olympic surfing cause. Then the interview took an interesting turn.
“Considering everything you’ve told me,” the producer said. “Do you think it’s a good idea to be holding the Olympic surfing event at Teahupo’o?”
What? But I thought this was a promo video. Dash objectivity – was there an agenda here I wasn’t aware of? I started out easy.
“I’ve published my position on that subject,” I told him. “A number of times.”
“And what is that position?” he asked.
“Well, let me say first,” I told him. “In simple terms of suitability, you have to take into account the spot’s capricious conditions. The chances of getting a single, big, clean day of surf at Teahupo’o during an arbitrarily chosen waiting period is very slim, even during the optimum season. Numerous contests previously held here have learned that hard lesson. But four days? Absolutely no chance.”
This is crucial. Remember, Teahupo’o isn’t your ordinary surf spot. Huntington Beach, for example, can serve up a varied menu of surf conditions and still be considered a be a valid competitive venue, as can Sunset Beach, for that matter.
But Teahupo’o, much like Sunset’s sister break Pipeline, is held to a single standard: if it isn’t perfect – which in Teahupo’o’s case means minimum 10-to-15-foot wave faces from the SSW, with light NE winds and morning low tide – it isn’t Teahupo’o. This is because, again, much like Pipeline, at Teahupo’o there’s a single performance standard: ride in the tube. No tube, no glory, no score. And while this sort of objectivity is great news for a judged competitive event, it’s a major liability for a contest whose very concept is dependent on a complex amalgamation of ideal conditions. In short, if it’s not epic Teahupo’o, the entire project – the vast expense, head-spinning qualifying labyrinth, not to mention reef tower drama and subsequent local protests – will be a colossal waste of time and energy.
“But what about the movements on the wave?” the producer asked. “Can’t the surfers be judged on their movements?
Not at Teahupo’o, I told him. “Movements” don’t count – it’s epic barrels or nothing.
But let’s say that against all odds they do luck out and get four days of “proper” Teahupo’o. More than proper, but epic. Twenty to 25-foot barrels, the sort that we’ve come to expect for our clicks. The Real Thing. Then what? How do you think competitors from all those “non-major” surfing nations are going to fare, in almost every case attempting to ride one of the world’s most challenging, and most dangerous waves for the very first time? Especially having qualified for this gladiatorial spectacle by slogging through myriad ISA heats held in sloppy beach break.
Can you imagine a young skier, weaned on groomed, green-dot runs, readying herself in the Olympic downhill course starting hut, staring down the 50 percent incline for the very first time in her life? That’s the scenario women’s qualifier Anat Lelior from Israel, a fine surfer, I’m sure, will be confronted with if Teahupo’o really turns on during the waiting period. With this in mind, it’s pretty clear that for everything to go right for Paris Games surfing organizers, it will need to go terribly wrong for many of the competitors. Some might not even attempt to catch a wave, and they’d be perfectly right not to do so, although I’m pretty sure the lofty Olympic motto, “Citius, Altius, Fortius” (“Faster, Higher, Stronger”) doesn’t exactly apply to paddling away from a giant set and crawling back into the boat as fast as one can.
So, then what are we left with? Nothing new, really. Just check the bulk of the roster: Medina, Florence, Toledo, Ewing, Colapinto, Fioravanti, Chianca, Robinson, McGillivray, Smith and Igarashi, Wright, Moore, Weston-Webb, Defay, Hennessy, Bonvalot, Marks, Simmers and Picklum. Sound familiar? That’s right – just another CT Tahiti event, with a few more wild cards tossed in for added flavor. Potentially entertaining, if they get good waves, but hardly worth John Williams’ “Bugler’s Dream/Olympic Fanfare.”
“Then you don’t think it’s a good idea to hold the Paris Games surfing event at Teahupo’o?” asked the producer.
“I pretty sure I just told you that,” I said. “But I’d rather you not use any of that part of the interview.”
“And why not?” the producer asked.
“Because not counting the pros, who get paid to do this sort of thing, a lot of organizers and ‘non-major’ surf country competitors have put a lot of time and energy and heart and soul into participating in the Olympics, and I don’t want to be the one to rain on their parade. In fact, I hope everything goes perfectly and it’s the greatest, most exciting surfing event ever held.”
And I really meant that last part.
