Who you got? Photo: Drew Dau
Recently, a piece on the way surfers behave in the lineup resonated as I paddled out for a late-afternoon sesh. The surf was exquisitely gutless and inexplicably crowded, thus providing me the chance to observe the fishbowl in real time. I started thinking about what type of surfers we generally come across in our lineups. Every police lineup has its real criminals, so grab the popcorn for some tastefully offensive yet seaworthy generalizations. These are the types of surfers you may find in yours.
The Aggressive Paddler
Though their destination is unclear, this guy or gal cannot wait to get past you. Chin up, steroids tensed, this surfer is straight “truckin” to the deep reef of a two-foot beach break. Characterized by rapid breathing peppered with militant grunts, the Aggro Stroker is anxious to show you that they can outpace a seal, if not a dolphin. When a wave comes, the Paddler will furiously churn the water like an outboard motor and you’ll both miss your chance.
Key Traits: Faded Limp Bizkit Tattoo, Gelled Hair, Zinc Nose, Muscle Milk, Growling
Board: Their uncle’s yellowed Al Merrick.
Yes, you could find every type here. Photo: JP Van Swae
The Chatterbox
The Chatterbox would rather bend your ear than shoot the curl. If you give them so much as a nod, you’ll soon be in deep enough to hear about their nagging shoulder injury, new board and fiance’s struggle with an itchy rash of uncertain origins. Beware, the Chatterbox will pepper you with questions about your investment portfolio then snake your wave as you struggle to answer.
Board: 7’6” funboard
Key Line: “Hey, do you like guacamole? Because I’ve got a bowl of it on the beach!”
Ol’ Eyeballs
Eyeballs is a one-trick pony. This silent, speedy knight locks eyes with you as they approach, maintains retina contact as they whip around, then uses your confusion to steal your wave. Sometimes, the ever-so-cunning Eyeballs is also an attractive and desired member of your desired gene pool, possessing all the, ahem, desired characteristics…which doesn’t help.
Key Feature: A bright pair of innocent, sea-blue peepers that stare straight through your evil core.
Board: Keel Fish
The Hugger
You spin around to drop in and there’s someone so close to you – and the peak – that you can feel their heart beating. It’d be romantic if they didn’t smother you with Coppertone, Axe body wash, and the faintest trace of Sex Wax. The more you squirm, the closer they get, until you pull back and they slip right into your barrel.
Key Line: “Which way are you going? Wait, left?! Me too! Party wave!!”
Board: High-performance longboard with room…for two.
The Trickster
Bored by their fixed-gear bike, the Trickster wears fluorescent and rides their finless longboard backwards on one big toe. Eyes closed, this hypnotic clown dances across the crest of the wave you’d been waiting 15 minutes for, then handstands and kicks you in the face with the power of irony. Cowabunga!
Where You’ll Find Them: In the parking lot juggling fire-sticks and old Beach Boys vinyl.
Board: Finless Wavestorm they re-painted themselves, sprinter van full of $1,000 mid-lengths.
“Dude, I got so barreled on that one!” Photo: Pinterest
The Groms
A group of pre-teens is like a virus. They slowly infect other kids and spread until you turn around and a bobbing crowd of pre-pubescent rippers surrounds you, choking the frail, middle-aged life force from your weakened bones.
Board: Doesn’t matter as long as it’s sharp and tiny.
Key Habit: Airing over you and letting their board decapitate you.
The Old Faithful
The heady crew that’s been there since the ocean met sky, this group of grey-hairs will prophesize about the good ol’ days when fins cost a quarter while encouraging each other to drop in on you at a moment’s notice. “C’mon, Frank – let’s see it!!” Cross them up and you’re in for a lickin,’ Whippersnapper.
Key Line: “What do you mean? They’re all my waves!”
Board: 12-foot Hobie littered with dents from your skull
The Dolphins
Dolphins are cooler than us, smarter, and surf better. Case closed.
Key Traits: Impersonating a shark, laughing when you pee your pants, not wearing pants.
The Local Legend
They were on the WCT in the ’80s and they’ll let you know at the bonfire over a case of Bud heavies right before they successfully woo your girlfriend/boyfriend, somehow while wearing a beer helmet.
Board: Old G&S Pro Model covered in sponsor stickers
Key Traits: Calling you for bail money, surfing tandem with your significant other while you stoke the fire and wash their changing poncho.
Key Possessions: Old Mustang Convertible, some halfway decent meth if you’re into that.
Lineups wouldn’t be the same without these peeps, which is why I’m moving to Mars as soon as we find waves up there. Stay safe out there, water people!
