There are a lot of surfers who are musicians: Kelly Slater, Rob Machado, Tom Curren, among others. For the most part, though, any kind of success they attain as a musician is due, in large part, to their success as a surfer. Of course, there are a few that broke that mold: the Jack Johnsons and Donovan Frankenreiters, the ones who have enough talent in both fields to merit at least some legitimacy. So for this judgmental list of people I’ve never met, I kept to musicians who are musicians first and known more for their music than their surfing – whether I like their music or not. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Jason Mraz.
Eddie Vedder, she said, have I got a little story for you. Photo: Wikimedia Commons
1. Eddie Vedder – The Pearl Jam front man rode his first wave when he was 12 years old at Doheny Beach. He bought a $12 surfboard and fell off it for a week. Now he surfs with Kelly Slater, MR and Laird. He also plays music with, well, anyone he wants, because he is Eddie Vedder. I have nothing bad to say about him. Pearl Jam’s Ten is in my top five favorite albums of all time, and although I may not like a lot of his music after that, Ten was so good he could literally spew out shit and I would still be okay with him.
“That would be… a waste of time.”
2. Anthony Kiedis, (Red Hot Chili Peppers) –
The first born unicorn
blew a surfing horn
Dee doo diddly dorn
I just ate some corn
and realized my lyrics never make any sense.
Even though he sings mostly gibberish just because it rhymes, RHCP is one of the most popular bands ever. They make gibberish sound so good. Anthony Kiedis wasn’t just in Point Break to sell hard drugs and blast his foot off with a shotgun, he was also in it because he’s a legitimate surfer.
“Look at all those stars, look at how goddamn ugly the stars are.” Matt Skiba in Malibu.
3. Matt Skiba (Alkaline Trio) – If there’s one thing I hate about surfing, it’s the fluffy, gossamer-tipped pseudo “soulful” part. Yes, I know surfing is amazing, and yes, it’s good for your soul. I just don’t need for someone wearing wool shoes and a Tibetan prayer flag as a diaper to tell me. This is why I like Alkaline Trio, especially their older stuff. Misery! So much self-loathing! It is the exact opposite of the Rastovich wannabes who don’t actually stand for anything except telling everyone how much they stand for, and it is great.
With a mug like that, who cares if he’s a poo-stancer? Not me, that’s who.
4. Jimmy Buffet – I’ll admit it: I’m a Parrothead. I love Jimmy Buffet. I’ve always assumed he was a surfer, just because of one of his books that I read (A Pirate Looks at 50, where I discovered that he is neither a pirate or a writer) and all the things you hear about him surfing. But I just watched a video of him surfing, and my heart sank. He sucks. In my head, Jimmy was a fatter, less bald Kelly Slater on a longboard. He is not. He is a poo-stancing, unnecessary claimer. But he’s Jimmy Buffet, so I don’t care.
Just looking at this photo makes me taste vomit. But it’s a good memory. Photo: Pepper Instagram
5. The Pepper Crew – The first time I saw these guys, I was on the Big Island of Hawaii at an outdoor concert that the Mad Caddies were headlining. We were camping on beaches for a month, sleeping in board bags, throwing up on stuff, and cutting ourselves semi-badly on reef, glass, and whatever else we could find. The concert was on a golf course, and although I love(d?) the Mad Caddies, Pepper blew my face off, even though they do sound a lot like a less talented Jawaiian version of Sublime. I have loved them ever since, although when I hear them, I immediately taste vomit and check my feet for blood.
Jon Foreman at the 2013 Switchfoot Bro-Am. Photo: The Surf Channel/Shannon Quirk
6. Jon Foreman (Switchfoot) – Switchfoot has become a staple in surfing, especially in California. The Switchfoot Bro-Am, an annual San Diego event that benefits children’s charities, is coming into its tenth year, and it’s turned into a wildly successful day of partying, music, and surfing. It is however, a little less Sodom and Gomorrah than the U.S. Open of Surfing, which is a good thing. The U.S. Open of Surfing is more Sodom and Gomorrah that Sodom and Gomorrah are.
You’re not fooling anyone with that smile, Mraz. WHAT’S UNDER THE HAT?! Photo: Wikimedia Commons
7. Jason Mraz – Ugh. This is embarrassing. I’m sure he’s a really nice guy, but I just can’t get over the fedora. Why must he wear it in the water? Is it part of his head, like some sort of parasitic creature? Or is he hiding something more sinister under there?
