The problem with being a forward thinking genius is that it can be hard to get people to pay attention. In my case, not a day goes by when I don’t come up with a humdinger of an epiphany; whether it be my plan to revolutionize public transportation by installing zip lines in every major American city, or my idea of helping the homeless earn money for booze by harnessing them to wagons and using them as draft animals. I guess true brilliance always goes unrecognized in its day.
I’m well aware that the general public isn’t typically blessed with my out of the box thinking, as such I appreciate the fact that The Inertia gives me a platform with which to reach surfers, as well as the assorted poseurs and hangers-on who hover about our subculture.
My recent brainstorming sessions have revolved around helping to market surfing to the wider world, and what better way than through the majesty of reality television? What follows are five pitches for shows that I’m sure will be hits. Any Hollywood big wigs who might be reading this can contact me c/o: The Inertia.
1. Teens in Paradise
Ten of the hottest young surfers under the age of eighteen, five young men and five young women, brought to the North Shore for an entire Winter season to prove themselves on surfing’s premiere stage. Do they have what it takes to conquer the heaviest surf the Pacific Ocean can offer?
While the format is old hat and makes use of the most cliched reality TV gimmicks such as hidden cameras and one way mirrors, Teens in Paradise holds a twist. Every member of the production staff, from the director to the camera operator to the craft services guy is secretly a registered sex offender.
When the surf is huge, who will step up and who will fold under the pressure? Does the young generation have what it takes? Is this entire premise a violation of the Mann Act? Who installed the toilet cam? Find out this season on Teens in Paradise.
2. Walking on Water
A new take on team surf competitions, Walking on Water strives to prove once and for all, which surfing pastor does Jesus love most?
Walking on Water will see eight of the surf world’s foremost chicken hawks lead their respective teams of ex junkies and recovering alcoholics as they face in off in a winner take all, single elimination, paddle in, barrel riding tournament at massive Shipstern’s Bluff. Guaranteed to hold the breathtaking wipe outs the public loves to see, juxtaposed against heartwarming tales of faith and fellowship, Walking on Water is sure to be a massive hit among everyone from your crazy Aunt who’s always posting inspirational Bible quotes on her Facebook wall to guys who found religion while they were locked up.
Tagline: He could walk on water… can they?
3. Kelly Slater: Born to Lose
This series would involve Kelly Slater, the most hyper-competitive lunatic in the history of surfing, face everyday normal guys in challenges related to anything but surfing. Little does Kelly know, the cards have been stacked against him.
Through the use of good old fashioned cheating, the audience will be treated to the sight of a man who can’t stand to lose slowly realize that he just can’t win. Part prank show/ part bizarre psychological experiment, Kelly Slater: Born to Lose will show us the slow and steady break down of a man who’s dominated those around him for nearly his entire life. Bonus: by using a web cast format there’s the chance to earn pay per view dollars when it comes time to stream his eventual suicide.
4. One Percent Milk
In this homage to reality show classics like Frontier House and The 1900 House we’ll watch as three young Southern Californian NSSA up-and-comers learn to live in a world where everything they hold dear is stripped from them.
Filmed over the course of an NSSA Explorer season, we’ll watch as they strive to compete without resorting to any parental assistance. Watch them break down in tears as they desperately try to earn enough to pay entry fees, laugh as they realize how expensive surfboards actually are, and cry as they try to figure out how to travel up and down the coast without access to Mommy’s SUV.
This show has it all: deprivation, frustration, and the sweet, sweet, tears of privileged people. Spin offs in the worlds of golf, tennis, and figure skating are sure to follow.
5. Asshole in the Lineup
A fish out of water comedy show, Asshole in the Lineup will follow Johnny Boy Gomes as he runs a celebrity surf school at First Point Malibu. With cameos by elite celebrity surfers, like Tom Hanks, Lady Gaga, Matthew McConaughey, and Adam Sandler, we’ll get to watch as the biggest dick in the history of surfing strives to remain obsequious in the face of drop ins, overwhelming crowds and prima donna attitudes. How long will it be until he finally snaps? Tune in and find out!
