Typical economy-class nightmare. Photo: Krisdefils
As surfers, traveling has become as much a part of our lives as surfing. In fact, we often spend more time getting to our destination than actually surfing there. Whether by foot, car, bus, unicycle, or rollerblades, we are constantly on the move in search of waves. However, most will agree that one means of transportation seems to royally suck a bag of Richards: airplanes. Here are 5 reasons why.
1. Board Fees and Dings
“That’ll be $285, Mr. Aimer.” — “Great, do you guys offer some sort of payment plan?” Photo: Errant Surf
The nightmare begins as we say goodbye to loved ones and get ready to fork over an arm and a leg in board fees. And if you’re extra lucky, the money-grubbing airline will open your board bag and charge you per board. A co-worker just got back from Costa Rica and decided to bring a board traveling with United. That decision cost him $460 and two fatal dings. And he didn’t even get barreled. What a loser. Different airlines have different policies; some are better than others, but they all seem to get a real kick out of mercilessly sticking it to surfers. So before you buy your ticket, you might want to check out a list of airlines and their policy on board fees. Or you might want to forgo bringing a board altogether and look into new services like The Quiver, which allow you to rent boards from other surfers while on the move.
Also, make sure to pack your boards with plenty of cushion to buffer the carelessness of airport baggage handlers. Nothing is worse than waxing up before a session to find a fat ding or giant buckle on your board.
2. Airport Security
Legal fondling. Photo: BearmaniacToons.com
Two words: utterly terrifying. No matter who you are or where you’re going, TSA assumes that you’re either a card-carrying member of Al-Qaeda or a junkie with a bag of drugs shoved up your bum. And how about that full body scanner? That thing can even see what you’ve had for breakfast that morning. And is it just me, or are beautiful women always the ones that are “coincidentally” selected for “a random pat down?”
3. First and Business Class
Between the filet mignon, champagne, and fully reclining seats, you cannot help but envy 1st class passengers. Photo: Shutterstock
Nothing like a reminder of good old fashion classism when you’re eager to immerse yourself in a new cultural experience. They’re the first to their seats and the first people to stare through your heart when you board the airplane. While sipping pre-departure champagne, they stink-eye hard with the patented “Hurry-up-your-broke-ass-and-get-to-your-seat-my-valium-is-kicking-in-and-I-want-to-fully-recline-my-chair-bed” look. And don’t you even think about using the first class bathrooms while holding a coach ticket. I don’t care if crap is dripping down your leg. It’s not happening.
4/5. In-Flight Nightmare
Not good for anyone, really. Photo: Courtsey Flight Global
The in-flight nightmare counts for both 4 and 5 for obvious reasons. There is simply a lot of shit going on in a moving airplane – or death tube, as I like to call them. If the plane crash doesn’t kill you, the offensively overweight mouth-breather who hasn’t showered in ages – you know, the one who is somehow ALWAYS sitting next you – surely will. Not to mention that kid crying for no apparent reason for the entire duration of the flight. How does this happen so consistently? I’m convinced there is something to this: Airplanes are like torture chambers for toddlers. It’s not that they even cry. It’s more like they exorcise sonic demons through their little mouths and nostrils and sometimes shit themselves in the process, which adds a layer of freshly minted ass juice to the already stale air in death tubes. You know the moment. When the kid struggles to find the next breath in between his Bjork-like shrieks. And for a milli-second you almost wish the little guy wouldn’t find that next breath. But then you remember that planes crash all the time (or now they just seem to disappear) and thoughts like that certainly earn you a one-way ticket to hell.
On most flights you can stretch out as far as a straitjacket allows.
But hey, there are probably some people who love disgustingly bland food, the ability to stretch out as far a straitjacket allows, and watching Twister and Jumanji over and over again. But the truth is that none of this really matters when we finally arrive at our destination. Nightmares of the torture chamber quickly disintegrate. A distant memory upon arrival. And a small price to pay to get barreled out of your head, meet new people, explore new cultures and remind ourselves, if only for a 7-day escape, that it’s a big world out there. Go explore it.
