Male pattern baldness is nothing to snicker about. Androgenic alopecia affects up to 70 percent of men and keeps food on the table for thousands of purveyors of balding remedies. But “bald” doesn’t mean anything, really. It just means you don’t have any hair on your head – and really, you’re just more streamlined. It may even be a good thing when it comes to surfing. How many dolphins have you seen with a full head of hair? Here is a list of five of the best bald surfers.
1. Kelly Slater
Kelly Slater. No hair? No matter. Photo: ASP/Kirstin Scholtz
Kelly Slater is so incredibly bald. He is balder than a baby, because they have the fuzz, which he shaves off his own head. Before it fell out, he had this amazing mane of lush, chestnut brown hair, that he used to convince Pamela Anderson to date him and get his role as Jimmy Slade on Baywatch. Then it fell out and he bicked his head, because he’s smart and didn’t want to have a cul de sac wrapping around his dome like a hairy sea-serpent. Thank God.
Slater’s accomplishments on tour are second to none. He won his first world title in his first full year on tour and continued to win them ad nauseam. He’s racked up more accolades than almost anyone else in sports, let alone surfing.
Notable accomplishment: He’s the best contest surfer to ever live.
2: Matt Archbold
This man knows how to party.
Remember the ’90s, when Matt Archbold had hair? Long hair that whipped around when he did all that aerial stuff that no one else was doing? Then he kind of disappeared for a while. When he reappeared, all his hair was gone, but he’d gained that rough texture to his skin that goes so well with neck and chest tattoos and a tight shirt. He also drives badass cars and fingers stuff a lot, which is pretty cool.
He dropped out of school in the ninth grade to turn pro, which to some may not seem like a good idea, but he made it work, living how he wanted to live and not taking shit from anyone. But Archbold’s penchant for partying and living fast landed him in some trouble. Missed heats and binges quickly turned him into surfing’s bad boy, where he sat firmly atop that throne for years.
Notable accomplishment: He’s not dead.
3: Shane Dorian
This man does not need hair.
Shane Dorian does not need hair for anything. He surfs the biggest waves ever, shoots boars with a bow, and generally does things that a lot of people wish they could do but can’t. Maybe it’s because his hair doesn’t get in his eyes. His only downfall was In God’s Hands, which should only be watched from a great distance while facing the other way.
Dorian’s surfing career is a long and involved one. Born and raised on the Big Island of Hawaii, he first showed up on the circuit in the ’80s. Although he never enjoyed an amazing amount of contest wins – hovering in and out of the top 10 for years, before finally cracking the top 5 in 2000 – he made himself into a staple on the surfing scene by being one of the most well-rounded surfers ever.
Notable accomplishment: Responsible for more collective spectator gasps than anyone else.
4: Fred Patacchia
Freddy P, streamlined. Photo: ASP/Kirstin
Everyone loves Freddy P. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a photo of him not either smiling, hugging someone or throwing the bird. His freaking house was falling into the ocean a few months ago, and all he said was, “It’s not that big of a deal, it’s only a fucking house.” One of the greatest things about Freddy is that he’s not afraid to speak his mind, shamelessly lambasting anyone he thinks needs to hear it.
After starting his tour campaign in 2005, Freddy P quickly turned into one of Hawaii’s next big things. His first year on tour earned him the Rookie of the Year award, and since then, he’s been one of surfing’s most recognizable faces.
Notable accomplishments: Sponsored by Bud Light. That means free beer, folks.
5: Jimbo Pellegrine
Jimbo Pellegrine, surfing’s Butterbean. Photo: Ricardo Junji
Look at this man! Look upon his works, ye mighty, and despair! Jimbo Pellegrine is an enormous man, and he gets these enormous pits. You’d think, with a mass like his, that every wave he gets would look tiny by contrast. But they don’t, which must mean that surfing’s Butterbean is getting really good waves. And with a body the size of an industrial fridge, there aren’t too many people that would drop in on him. Oh, and he’s bald, too.
Notable accomplishments: He’s able to pop up.
Honorable mention: Tom Warr
Llama (?) kisser/bald surfer extraordinaire.
I don’t know anything about Tom Warr beyond what I could find out on his Facebook profile. I could probably find out more if I were to search the internet, but I’m lazy, and that’s creepy. It’s also Sunday, and I’ve been drinking bourbon since noon. Don’t judge me. It’s Sunday! Tom just happened to comment on our Facebook post about this piece, so I thought I’d throw him in there because Tom is the man. Probably. I’ve never met him. But he’s probably the man!
Tom lives in Sydney, Australia. His friends call him Warry–at least three do, anyway, because they commented on this photo of him and called him Warry:
Yeah Warry!
I assume this is a llama that he’s kissing in the first photo, in which case he should watch out because they spit and his mouth is very close to the llama’s spit-filled mouth. I only know this because when I was 4, I lived in Saudi Arabia and have a very vivid memory of being spat on by a camel. I think llamas are a member of the camel family, although that might be extraordinarily wrong. Tom generally wears a hat while he’s surfing because he has no hair to protect his melon and is part of that small percentage of men who know that a slick head is much better than a cul-de-sac. Tom is smart. We love Tom. Thanks for reading, Tom!
Notable accomplishments: He kissed a llama! I think!
