Get off our wave, kook.
There are a billion reasons why the United States of America is the greatest country in the world. From our utter commitment to freedom to our amazing public schools to the greatest health care system on Earth, America is a country that wrings the very best from its citizens. It’s no wonder we’re the nation the world looks to when seeking guidance.
So today, on the Fourth of July, the one day a year we gather to appreciate the glory and majesty of the USA, let’s all pause a moment and give ourselves a pat on the back for our good work.
And, to the rest of the world — you’re welcome.
We Invented Pro Surfing
As well as board shorts, wetsuits, modern surfboards, the aerial, and leashes. Of course, other nations try to put forth certain dubious claims of prior invention, and we let them continue to think their contributions are relevant. Because that’s just the kind of magnanimity we’re known for.
Our Pros Earn Their Place On Tour
Unlike Brazil and Australia, our pros aren’t brought up in a thriving competitive scene, with every piece of equipment and entry fee handed to them on a silver platter. No sir, in line with true red blooded American individualism, they earn it every step of the way. By scrapping tooth and nail to make it to the top, our pros prove themselves to be better, stronger, and more resilient than any other group on Earth.
Kelly Slater (L) not only starred in full embodiement of everything that is good in America, long-running television series Baywatch, but also dated its leading lady, a (Canadian-)American of the best, er, proportions. Photo: Dave Morgan | Globe Photos
Kelly Slater
Only an American could be raised in a area known for flat mushy garbage and go on to become the best surfer ever known. Eleven world titles, an Eddie victory, and decades of pushing performance surfing to ever higher heights; Robert Kelly Slater has made a career of utterly destroying the best competitors other countries have to offer.
And he’s no freak occurrence. Just take a trip to any Southern California beach break on a chest high swell. The ability level, as well as the etiquette and camaraderie, displayed by the average American surfer will leave you dumbfounded.
Our Surf Media
Our magazines aren’t just soft core pornography with a surfing veneer. Only in America can you find the type of quality journalism that distinguishes the surf industry. From interviews that refuse to pull punches, to hard hitting coverage of the industry’s movers and shakers; the no holds barred nature of the American surf media has shaped the sport into what it is today.
While other countries may be satisfied with magazines that are little more than thinly veiled shills for corporate interests, only ours truly strive to fulfill their duty as shepherds of the sport. Without the constant vigilance of our editors the slow and steady degradation of coverage, until it’s little more than recycled press releases and advertorial garbage, would be a fait accompli.
We Speak English
There’s a reason why all the best books, movies and art spring from American minds. English just lends itself to expression more gooder than any other language. Unlike Portuguese, French, Spanish, or whatever incomprehensible jibber jabber it is that spills from Australian mouths.
Which is why this article is being written in English, despite the fact that I’m well aware that the entire world has not yet been gifted with my mother tongue. I type these words confident in the knowledge that nearly everyone worth reaching can understand its words, and the few whom the meaning escapes no doubt have friends who will be kind enough to translate its brilliance.
We’re Excellent Guests
Americans don’t have a reputation for being open minded and accepting of other cultures for no reason. Our country has long been dedicated to improving the lives of foreign citizens the world over. For proof, just look to any well known surfing destination. Tamarindo, Puerto Escondido, Indonesia, Cabo San Lucas — with our guidance they’ve been transformed from backwards backwaters into thriving examples of successful entrepreneurship. And even though it’s an exhausting endeavor, we will continue to be on the forefront of future development. If we don’t teach the world the joys of capitalism, who will?
This wave needed America in order to really shine.
We Own Hawaii
Are there good waves in other places? Of course, but nowhere else on Earth can you find a more consistent, beautiful, and easily accessed stretch of coast than on Oahu’s North Shore. And you can surf it thanks to the good ol’ U.S. of A. Prior to allowing the island archipelago to join our union, Hawaii was a little known scattering of rock floating ignored in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Only we possessed the patience and love to enfold its borders and teach the natives how to properly exploit their resources. Furthermore, we’ve been gracious enough to allow the original inhabitants to continue living in their ancestral lifestyle. Nowhere demonstrates that benevolence more than the traditional communities that inhabit the Waianae coast.
Is there some misplaced resentment? Sure, but in time you can rest assured that the populace will come to appreciate the Section 8 housing , SNAP, and service industry jobs with which they’ve been blessed.
We Aren’t A Former Penal Colony
From a purely eugenic stand point, America is the most superior group of individuals on the planet. Since our creation by the hands of strong forward-thinking individualists, who were the best and brightest their nations had to offer, America has had a proud tradition of welcoming the best immigrants with open arms. Centuries of interbreeding has created an American ubermensch of a quality that has never been seen before.
An American tradition, staking claim to choice stretches of land. Photo: Admiral Cod
We’re Better At Preserving Resources
As a nation we understand the importance of preserving limited resources. Year after year we dedicate billions of dollars and countless man hours to our thankless role as stewards of our planet’s bounty. Towards that end, we were the first to have the novel idea of privatizing surf spots, and it has been heart warming to see others follow suit.
While there may be set backs, such as the pseudo-Bolshevik nationalization of Cloudbreak, in the future we will set every effort toward ensuring that your surf trips aren’t sullied by an infestation of non-paying locals and couch tripping ferals. It may seem unfair at first, but fulfilling our roles as innovators and job creators is both stressful and demanding. Foregoing a few sessions is a small price to pay so we can return home, rested and recharged, thus enabling us to work even harder towards improving the lives of those who need us. Whether they realize it or not.
We Taught You All How To Surf
Since Duke Kahanamoku, Olympic medalist and American hero, first spread surfing throughout the world like an aquatic Johnny Appleseed, America has continued to introduce surfing to all four corners of the globe. We’ve traveled the world, leaving a trail of rippers in our wake, establishing beachheads so our sport can grow. Recently we’ve continued that trend by teaching China to build surfboards. Thanks to us you’ll soon be able to witness hard working Chinese hitting the waves after a long day of producing quality goods destined for our shores.
God bless America.
‘Merica. Photo: Joanne O’Shaughnessy
