If you want a deal on used surfboards, you’ll have to pay the price in more ways than one. Photo: KC Welch//Unsplash
Surfing is expensive. Surfboards, fins, wetsuits, beach parking, it all adds up eventually. For those of us who don’t have sponsors or unlimited disposable income, there’s one reliable way to save a buck or two: the used surfboard market.
However, with great deals come great responsibility. In this case, it’s having to deal with the nightmarish cast of weirdos and miscreants that inhabit the used surfboard marketplace. Here are 10 characters you’re likely to meet if you spend enough time buying and selling foam and fiberglass.
The Aggro Haggler
They saw the Wolf of Wall Street one time and now think they’re a power broker. Unfortunately, they’re not a Master of the Universe, just an asshole. Whether buying or selling, they will haggle you to death over pennies and take any pushback as a personal insult. If you want to lock horns with them, just make sure it’s really worth it, because nobody’s coming out of this thing sane.
The One Who “Knows What They’ve Got”
This person is trying to sell you a 15-year-old longboard that’s yellower than a smoker’s tooth, but don’t tell them that. Despite whatever (often very obvious) flaws on the goods for sale, this seller will insist that they have god’s gift to surfing in their garage. Not only that, but they’ll think if you point out the obvious truth, that you’re somehow trying to fleece them. Save yourself some time, don’t bother negotiating. Just walk away.
The One Who Doesn’t Know What They’ve Got
You saw the listing for a $100, practically brand new, name-brand board and figured it was some sort of scam you didn’t understand. Still, you fired off a message just in case. Now you’re standing in front of the guy, holding the board in your hands and you’ve realized what’s going on. This person really has no idea what they’ve got. You’d feel bad if you weren’t so psyched about the insane deal you’re about to get. All you have to do is not manage to accidentally spill the beans before the deed is done.
The One Percenter
Once you arrive, you check the address again to make sure this is the right place, because this is the biggest house you’ve ever seen. What the hell is this person doing selling surfboards on Craigslist? At least you know you’re not going to get robbed for the $400 in your pocket, and you get to see how the other side lives for once.
The Late Bloomer
You weren’t really planning on spending half an hour in a Ralph’s parking lot, but here you are. You set a time to meet, texted them that you were on the way, showed up, and guess what? They’re still not there. Best case scenario: They arrive with a long story about how they had to drop off their wife’s brother’s son’s dog at the vet. Worst case: you get a half apologetic text that they fell asleep and can’t make it after all.
The Overreacher
We all make mistakes. In this person’s case, that mistake was overestimating their abilities and perseverance. They had a bout of hubris-fueled consumerism and the result has been sitting in the corner of their garage, gathering dust and silently mocking them. Most often seen with high-performance shortboards and niche equipment like prone foils. Their failure is your gain.
The Significant Other
You made the deal with them on the phone, but they sent in their girlfriend/boyfriend/mother to do the dirty work. The significant other is doing their best, but unfortunately knows nothing about the surfboard, or surfing at all, for that matter. The one thing they do know for certain, though, is the agreed upon price. No haggling over that ding you just found.
The Star-Crossed Shopper
Their offer comes in at 50 percent of the asking price and comes with a free sob story thrown in. They lost their job, their kid is sick or their house burned down, and somehow that means they desperately need a deal on a surfboard right now. Even if their tale of woe was true, it’s unclear how a hunk of fiberglass is supposed to fix it, or why it’s your problem.
The Rogue Trader
“Open to trades?” No, you haven’t slipped through a wormhole into a post-apocalyptic civilization where modern financial institutions have crumbled to dust and gasoline is money. Those three little words mean you’ve run into one of the more creative deal-hunters you’re likely to find in the surfboard market. These enterprising entrepreneurs have eschewed fiat currency in favor of the barter system. If you want to trade your nearly-new groveler for half a longboard, two fins and a toaster oven, he’s your man.
The Flipper
You find a board that looks great, except for a somewhat suspicious rattle-can paint job. When you click on the seller profile, you find 25 nearly identical postings. This is no run of the mill compulsive board collector, this is the work of a flipper. Much like their real estate counterparts, these sellers snap up undesirable listings, do a few “good enough” repairs, slap on a “creative” paint job and throw it back on the market at quadruple the price. Don’t be fooled, the apple’s still rotten to the core.
