Number 11? Jumping off the pier and landing on your board. Photo:Tim Mossholder//Unsplash
Not you, of course. But all those other surfers? C’mon, you really thought that coating the deck all the way down to the rail line is the proper way to wax a board? Or missing a wave and then thinking you’re still at the head of the line for the next one makes any sense? Yet these are just a couple examples of the dumb stuff surfers do on a pretty consistent basis, blundering along the path to surfing mastery one misstep at a time.
And I’m not just talking about groms and adult beginners — I’ve seen plenty of video clips that show top pros putting on their leash way up the beach, and then getting all tangled up in the urethane tripwire on the way down to the water. Laughing for the camera, naturally, like, “I can’t believe I just did that!” But face it, we all do some of this dumb stuff sometimes. This listicle, however, catalogs some of the dumb things that a lot of surfers do a lot of the time. And please, feel free to augment it with your own observations in the comment section.
TOO LONG OF A LEASH STRING
The term “rail saver” couldn’t be any more self-explanatory, and yet how many boards have you seen affixed with a skinny leash string that extends beyond the rail? Seriously, take a look next time. Apparently, a significant proportion of surfers must think that the wide, nylon webbing rail saver must be some sort of drag-deficiency device, designed to slow the board down in the barrel, or something. As to all those damaging, tail-area pull throughs, can’t imagine why that keeps happening.
BOARD SOCK ON ROOF, RACKED TAIL FIRST
One of the most pervasive board-handling myths is that of a properly strapped surfboard slipping backward out of the roof rack when not positioned fin-first. In well over a half-century of surfing I’ve never seen that happen. Multiple times a day, however, I’ve seen surfers blithefully driving along with a veritable windsock on the roof, the tail end of their board socks opening like the jaws of a great white, not only chewing up their gas milage, but making them look, well, just plain dumb to everyone else on the road. If you could see yourself doing it, you’d never do it again.
PADDLING STRAIGHT OUT THROUGH THE LINEUP AFTER RIDING A WAVE
Do you like weaving your way through a foam and fiberglass obstacle course every time you catch good wave? Trust me, neither does anyone else. So, I’ll ask you, why in the world would anyone paddle straight back out after riding a wave, instead of heading wide, well around the lineup, clearing the way for the next surfer? Think about it, and leave your answer in the comment section.
TRAVELING WITH TOO SMALL A BOARD
I’ve seen this happen time and time again: surfers traveling to exotic dream waves equipped with “step-ups” only an inch or two longer than the boards they’d ride at their local beachbreak. And after watching them struggling to catch waves, spinning out at the bottom, skittering through sections and generally surfing defensively the entire time I always ask them, “What were you hoping to experience when finally getting the chance to ride waves bigger, hollower and more spectacular than those at your home break?” If your name isn’t Craig Anderson, that is.
WEARING SURF TRUNKS UNDER YOUR WETSUIT
Here’s a tip: learn how to wrap a towel around your waist. That is, unless you actually like surfing with cold, non-insulating, soggy fabric all bunched up and uncomfortably constricting your privates. And peeing in your wetsuit? One of surfing’s most delightful sensual pleasures? If peeling off a stinky wet diaper at the end of every go-out sounds good to you, keep it up.
PUTTING YOUR BOARD DOWN ON THE GROUND IN THE PARKING LOT
And not just putting it on the ground, but sometimes putting it down behind your car. I mean, personally I don’t think a surfboard, so fragile and relatively delicate an object, should ever touch the ground, let alone on a rough asphalt parking lot. So many paths to disaster: stepping on the board when doing the stuck in one-leg wetsuit hop, careless driver checking the surf, or, God forbid, backing over it yourself. And yet you see it happening all the time, in parking lots from Cǒte des Basque to Wrightsville Beach to Cardiff Reef. The charge: criminal surfboard negligence.
MANSPLAINING (SURFING VERSION)
Nothing infuriates female surfers more than having male counterparts, even those less-experienced, very naturally assume that they need help with virtually every aspect of the sport. As in, “You should be riding a bigger board,” “Paddle now, paddle, paddle!” “I’d move up on the board a bit if I were you,” “Those wetsuits come in various thicknesses,” “You want to paddle out well away from those rocks,” “The bigger sets aren’t lining up so well, better go for the smaller ones,” “That fin set-up is called a two-plus-one.” Some good advice: heed your own damn tips and just let your sister ride!
ASKING ABOUT SURFBOARD VOLUME
I’ve gone over this before: volume is just about the least informative data when considering surfboard design. All the companies know it, and most will admit it – it’s just a marketing thing, something to make the customer feel that they’re making an informed choice. Foil and foam distribution are much more important points to consider when thinking about a surfboard purchase. With so many surfboard models to choose from, simply tell any decent surf-shop salesman where you surf, how you surf (and would like to surf) and how much you weigh and you should be right.
RIDING TOO SMALL A BOARD
Yeah, all the top pros are riding tiny surfboards. You know why? Because they get any wave they want even in crowded lineups and make their living riding the world’s best waves with nobody else out. Sound even remotely like your surf reality? Then why would you want to ride one of their boards? And anyway, you’re not trying to win a contest – you’d just like to catch a set wave now and then and move quickly and efficiently down the line, with at least a modicum of grace and style. To do this on a consistent basis, you need a bigger board that paddles better, trims better and, thanks to these attributes, makes you look better. Or you could ride that 5’7” and continue to surf like a marionette with their stings cut.
BACK PADDLING
I guess you could call it rude, or selfish, or inconsiderate, or passive/aggressive, or ever aggro, but I’m saying that paddling past someone who’s been waiting for a wave, just to be in better position to take that wave they’ve been waiting for, isn’t just dumb, it’s stupid. So why do so many surfers do it? Well, there’s actually something called the Dunning-Kruger Effect, which in layman’s terms can be described as being too stupid to know how stupid you’re being. Is that how you see yourself? Then get smart and stop back-paddling.
