It’s huge! Kill it! Photo: Predator Pursuit
This guy shot a really, really large shark. And he shot it with a bow and arrow. He shot it right in the back! With an arrow! From a boat! In an apparent effort to let the sharks of the world know that, while they may have the upper hand in strength, speed, and ability to breathe underwater, we can just use our brains to kill them for absolutely no reason. Hurray! We’re smart!
Before you call me a granola eater for thinking that needlessly killing something sucks, I’d just like to say that I’m in favour of hunting your own meat. Shooting an animal and eating it for a few months is much better than eating a cow that was part of ten thousand head of cattle that were herded into a slaughterhouse, then shot in the directly in the brain with a bolt gun. Look at me on my high horse! Last night for dinner, I ate sausages I got from the grocery store. I ate them from my high horse. But that’s beside the point. Basically, hunting is a-ok if it’s for food or population control, but trophy hunting’s weird. Really, really weird. Dahmer kept trophies, too. He kept them in a barrel in his kitchen. Also in his fridge, but that was for eating, so he’s ok there, I guess.
While most people either stay away from sharks (nearly everyone in the world), swim with sharks and love them (Mark Healey/other crazy people), or lure them in, then shoot them and drag them out to sea (WA’s shark cullers), a guy named Jeff Thomason just rolls out on a boat like a blood-thirsty Robin Hood in a camo hat. The shark Jeff shot was 809.5 pounds, an astounding 300 pounds heavier than the last world record. It measured in at 11 feet long, and totally deserved to be shot in the spine from a boat, mostly because it was so big. That shit’s just not okay.
According to Lone Star Outdoors News‘ Conor Harrison, Jeff’s the host of a hunting show called Predator Pursuit. He caught the massive mako shark off Huntington Beach, California. In order to get the shark into the right position to be shot with an arrow for no reason except because killing is like, super fun, the crew on the boat laid a chum trail for two miles. Then after waiting for a measly 30-minutes, POW! Right in the kisser. Shark-kabob!
According to Jeff, “You need the sharks really close to the boat and out of the water because those arrows are so heavy, they don’t fly far.” Once the shark was really close to boat, Jeff loosed his pointy man-stick and proved to his college buddies that he definitely had a way bigger dick than them. “I try and shoot for the top of the back,” he said. “As soon as the arrow hit, all hell broke loose. We freaked out because I spined him and we thought he might sink.”
Hear that? Spined him. Totally worried he might sink, which makes sense. If I were to shoot a gigantic shark with a bow and arrow from five feet away, I’d be super worried I wouldn’t be able to get an awesome photo of me and my happy victim, too. Every time I kill something, I love taking my picture with it, especially if I’m not killing it for any reason. I just need something to remind me of how awesome it felt to take the life of something for no apparent reason. It felt so good! Now, if a shark was attacking me and I managed to kill it, then yes, I’d take a picture with it. That would be awesome, and I would frame it and make copies to send to all my friends. My college buddies would all be jealous, and they would send me congratulatory emails and chest-bumps. Then we’d do keg stands and arm wrestle, but I would win because I killed a mother fucking SHARK, and Bill from Psych 101 was always kind of a weiner.
There is one good thing here, though (apart from the awesomeness of killing a really big shark with an arrow, which is obviously the best thing. Did you know that killing a large, toothy animal makes your balls bigger? Science fact). Thomason said that 400 pounds of the meat was donated to a homeless shelter in Los Angeles. “What the fuck?” said the homeless people. “Why are we eating shark meat?” Because we have brains, homeless people. We have brains and we can use them to kill whatever we want. Because we’re smart!
