Sometimes Mother Nature’s hilarity knows no bounds. There is, perhaps, nothing funnier than a writhing, living penis. And it’s a real thing! We are truly blessed to live in a world like this.
The Penis Worm is also known as Urechis Unicinctus. Actually, Penis Worm might not even be its real name – it’s possible that it’s just taken that on for the internet’s sake. As far as I can tell, apart from the Latin name, its original name is the Fat Innkeeper Worm, but because it looks like it does, it’s taken on a much more obvious moniker. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, right? It’s also commonly called a fish, which isn’t true, although Penis Fish does have a pretty good ring to it. I actually prefer Wiener Worm, but I’m no name-eologist.
Penis Worms are disgustingly interesting. Apart from the fact that they have been dealt the most unfortunate evolutionary hand (it’s either that or conclusive proof that God, judging by his sense of humour, is a man), they do some pretty weird things. Like most worms, they’re burrowers. The name Innkeeper Worm apparently stems from the fact that their burrows are used by other animals, probably for weird sex parties involving the Innkeeper himself, twelve pounds of peanut butter, and a pitchfork. The worm tops out at around eight inches (pretty respectable!), but their burrows, which are u-shaped, can be several feet deep.
Normally, holes in the mud aren’t super interesting, but the way they build their u-shaped hammer houses/penis protectors is pretty cool. One side of the U is a chimney. A horrible, phlegmy chimney. The worm pukes out mucus across one side of the hole, then moves deeper, pulling the middle of the slime down while adding more. This builds a funnel, with the large end at the top of the chimney and the small end in its mouth. Or whatever you want to call it (I’m going with pee-hole).
Once it’s got a good funnel, it uses peristalsis – basically flexing its body in the same way that we force food down our guts – to pump water into its burrow. The water comes in through the chimney funnel, through the Penis Worm, then back out the other side of the burrow. All the tiny particles in the water get stuck in the snot chimney, which eventually clogs up. When that happens, Dick Van Winkle just eats the whole thing, like a really slimy salad roll.
And just because it’s alive, we must eat it. It’s usually served raw, although there are about a million variations on serving Penis Worms. Just don’t choke on it, because your friends will have a field day with that.
Want to see more Crazy Creatures of the Week? Yeah you do. They’re all so weird!
The Coconut Crab: A cat eating monster crab that tastes like coconuts.
The Bobbit Worm: NOT named after Lorena.
The Sawfish: It’s a shark and a crocodile. It’s a sharkodile!
Nomura’s Jellyfish: If a whale sneezed, this would be its booger.
The Blobfish: Depressingly cute, and somehow disgusting.
The Oarfish: It’s long! It’s strong! It’s down to get the friction on!
The Tongue Eating Louse: Louse got your tongue?
Image: Rosario Beach Marine Laboratory
