Unnamed Multinational Wholesale Corporation to Sell $99 Foam Hydrofoils. Photo: YouTube
Combining the booms of foam boards in every lineup and hydrofoils gaining prominence in the surf world, an unnamed multinational wholesale corporation has revealed plans to sell $99 foam hydrofoils to its customers.
“The hydrofoil phenomenon will not pass,” says Monte Baggs, a high-ranking executive of the wholesaler that distributes everything from car tires to bacon in bulk. “We feel this is the perfect time to start making hydrofoils affordable to all.”
While many surfers are excited about the soon-to-be prospect of buying a brand new hydrofoil and grabbing a chicken bake for lunch in one trip, the announcement has come as a major sigh of relief for others.
“I once saw a guy trying to hydrofoil for the first time while there were 50 people in the lineup,” says Bunker Weiss, a leading voice against hydrofoil use. “Dude took out four people in one wipeout. One guy had to have his pinkie toe amputated. Worst one I saw, though, was this one time another guy ran over a sea turtle in Hawaii…cut the poor thing clean in two pieces.”
As Weiss explains, the new bargain foils will serve as a safe alternative for aspiring hydrofoilers. Whereas the current market only offers what he calls “those evil wings of death,” the wholesaler’s new boards will be constructed entirely of soft foam.
“We felt it was important to create a product that, while affordable to the entry-level consumer, is also safe,” Baggs told The Inertia. “A foil constructed of foam should significantly diminish the probability of severe hydrofoil accident injuries.”
You read that correctly, the foil itself will also be constructed of foam. When asked if a foam foil can actually create lift upon acceleration — the essential function of a hydrofoil — Baggs assured that anybody dissatisfied with the performance of the product can easily take advantage of the wholesaler’s no-questions-asked return policy.
“Market research also showed that Kai Lenny is the only person on the planet who can surf those damn things anyway,” Baggs added.
Editor’s Note: Johnny Utah is an “Eff-Bee-Eye” agent and an expert in works of satire. More of his investigative work can be found here.
