Whatever you do, don’t let that board become office decor. Photo: Unsplash
At some point or another, we’re all forced to work when the waves are calling. It feels like an extra fin to the face when the summer crowds have vanished, the fall and winter swells start turning on, and we’re stuck staring at surf cams, jonesing for wax under our toes.
For many years, the end of my summers coincided with an irreversible return to teaching, and it was impossible to waive class for waves after insisting on the first day that my students actually come to class. What made those fall mornings so painful was that my vagrant surf buds often found ways to ditch work and then texted me supportive things like “Missed the most epic day of the year, loser!”
What’s a frothing surfer to do to satisfy their craving when the big boss is rambling on about illogical demands like “getting to work on time,” and “not being covered in sand for the big presentation?” Maybe try these eight simple steps. Or just one.
Fake An Illness
Besmirching the truth is a part of life, and pretending you’re at death’s door when a swell hits is the oldest trick in the surf mag. The options here are endless: your tooth disappeared into your crunch wrap, some errant tuna maki turned your belly into a wave pool, you got long COVID from a short Zoom call — whatever the hand-crafted excuse, you’re incapacitated.
Faking an illness is all about being convincing, so harness your inner Keanu when you uncontrollably sneeze on Jimmy’s desk on the way to the bathroom. Dip your face in the sink to simulate cold sweat, cough up those Blue Dream fumes from last night, punch yourself in the face for flushed cheeks, or hoover a few lines of pepper to sneeze.
Warning: Do not come back from a “sick day” with a sunburn or sunblock in your beard. Trust me. It won’t go well.
Blame it on Your Family
If you’ve got kids, you’ll finally figure out why you consciously decided to pursue your own personal hell of procreation. I’m kidding, children are great: they make entirely useful pawns when it’s seven foot and firing. Set this one up by making sure to share pics of Grom One and Grom Two that no one wants to see all the time, so that when you suddenly must run to their school for an “emergency,” no one questions it.
This feels a bit exploitative, so make it up to the Grom Show by taking them out of school so they can surf, too. Everybody wins, and parents who show their kids the importance of playing hooky in exchange for tubes absolutely get more cash loans from said children later in life when they’re far more successful then you.
Play Dumb / Play Offended
If you’ve only just started working for The Man, you’ve got it made in the shade. You thought you were a remote worker, you thought this was a three-day workweek, you thought wearing pants was optional; the options are endless here.
You could also embrace your inner snowflake and confess that you’re having trouble with that coworker who keeps making fun of the funky neoprene stench around your desk, or maybe Bob’s leaping-dolphin screensaver upsets you because dude, dolphins are meant to roam free. Take the issue to HR, extract a long, paid break, and get shacked like Bodhi.
Warning: Do not, by any means, toss your boss a shaka as you bust out of the office. And absolutely no whistling, either.
Harness Big Tech
At this point, AI has been judging the WSL for years — you heard it here first — but they’ve also replaced even your mutt as your best friend. So why are you even at your desk? Replace yourself with a blow-up doll and let Chat GPT — who’s reportedly also a better surfer than you — do the rest.
Warning: Surfers typically spend 85-92 percent of their time “being super productive, Brah” checking the waves, so don’t leave Surfline up on your machine when the boss ambles by checking on those TPS reports.
Fake your own Death
Disappearing yourself, of course, comes with a few caveats, such as the need to abandon everyone in your life for a lonely, angst-ridden journey at the hands of the sea. But who actually likes other peoples’ company?
Sure, it won’t all be free love and surf wax candles. You’ll be on permanent leave from all responsibility, with all your cash stuffed in a box, a sailboat full of thrusters, a fresh bottle of rum whenever you set sail to the next island…actually, wait, this sounds great. Hold my calls forever, ye old buccaneer!
Warning: Don’t post “Rad Sesh today! #RIPPIN” on social media two days after you “perish.” As a matter of fact, while we’re on the topic, never caption a beach picture “Office for the Day.” Ever.
Get Spiritual
From Festivus on, why not abuse your own belief system and/or the religion passed on by your forefathers for the sake of your own back-slashing progression?
Christmas decorations have been up since July and all paths of faith have long since been exploited for commercial means. Your boss doesn’t have to know that you’re worshipping the shorebreak instead of chatting with the Salty Spirit in the sky, do they?
If you’re not spiritual, just make something up out of thin air to account for all the mysteries inherent in our universe, and the sense that we’re just biding time in a void that is utterly devoid of any meaning. Wait a minute…
Take Your Boss Surfing
No. Just no.
Tell a New Story
Don’t listen to this writer, as he’s one of those countless examples of suspect freelancers who’s bank account filed bankruptcy years ago. On the bright side, his surfing has gradually improved.
Instead, make up your own strategy to bail on work for some water time. It’s not selfish or wrong to put your pursuit of waves above all else. Isn’t that what it means to be a surfer?
After all, one of the best/worst liars of all time, George Costanza, helpfully suggests that “it’s not a lie, if you believe it,” so make some shit up, and then rip some shit up. But hey, you didn’t hear it from us, OK?
