How could they?
“Never let them know your next move,” is a mantra lifelong core lord Nick Ramos tries to live by. As a die hard surf fan who despises surfing but never misses a contest, Ramos has dedicated years of his life to griping about the sport’s professional ranks — how it’s run, how it’s not run, who should be in charge, who shouldn’t be in charge. And when all else fails the measures of objective truths and logic, he falls back on questioning the very existence of surfing as a competitive sport.
Ramos’ biggest bone to pick the past few years has been the legitimacy of one important contest being held at his home break in California.
“An event of this caliber, with a championship on the line, can only be held in a wave of consequence,” he proclaimed in a 2022 social media post. His expert opinion led him to a heaving left-hand barrel in the Pacific that would be perfect for such an contest. His suggestion and the logic behind it have stood firm for three years now with thousands of like-minded fans on his side.
Finally, after countless angry comments, two cracked and replaced iPhone screens, and 78 private DMs to event organizers left unread, Ramos got exactly what he was asking for. Kind of. League officials announced Monday they would finally move the annual contest to a heaving left-hand barrel in a tropical location. The catch, of course, is that they didn’t select the exact location he wanted — the new South Pacific venue is 3,000 miles away.
It turns out the joke is on Big Surf and the powers that be if they thought moving mountains to satisfy the will of their fans would be met with any gratitude.
“If I didn’t find a way to be unhappy with the current circumstance then I’d have to sit and enjoy them,” Ramos told The Inertia once the big announcement was made. “Sure, they met my personal demands. And I do feel entitled to having my exact view of what’s best for professional surfing validated. But what these corporate kooks don’t get is that a surf fan’s job — the job of a true core surfer — is to live in a state of discontent no matter what.”
With one major battle won and Ramos now wrestling with the dissolution it’s brought, he’s taking inventory of what his next complaint could be. The list is long, he tells us, although he won’t forfeit specifics.
“Never let them know your next move,” he says.
Editor’s Note: If you didn’t figure out this was satire within the first few sentences, shoot us a note and we’ll immediately reply with a response making fun of you.
