Careful what you ask for.
Jack Zoggenheimer, aka “Zogs” to the local crowd of surfers in his town, has never been one to underestimate the value of a bar of surf wax. In a pinch and need just a smudge before running out for a surf? Jack’s got you. Floating in the lineup, scratching that deck with your nails because evolution hasn’t provided man with a suitable wax comb for a third hand? Well, Jack had half a bar stashed in his wetsuit leg. He’s got you.
“I figure I’ve provided my local surf community with at least six figures worth of wax in the past 20 years,” Jack tells me. We’re sitting on the tailgate of his truck on a random Tuesday morning, sipping coffee while he waits for the tide to fill in. The morning rush for pre-work waves is picking up and surfers are dotting the beach in front of us. Just then, a 20-something jogs by with a board packed under his arm. He doubles back as soon as he spots Jack.
“Hey, man, can I borrow some wax?”
Jack gives me a smirk before he responds.
“Yeah, I think I got something for you to borrow,” as if winking at the Gen Z-er.
He reaches into a tote and breaks off a full stick of Sticky Bumps, then tosses it over. The surfer rubs the stick over his board in a frantic rush and without hesitation, he bolts for the shoreline. We watch him get smaller and smaller running off into the distance. After a few moments, Jack grabs his phone and places a call.
“Hey, that Simmons kid…yeah, add a half of coldwater to his account. Yeah, Sticky Bumps. Ok, thanks.”
Jack goes back to his coffee and then explains to me that approximately eight out of every 10 surfers who ask for wax request to “borrow” from him. So in early 2022 he started keeping tabs and eventually sought the services of a debt collector to help him square all those loans out. He happily gives to the people who just explicitly ask for wax, to “steal a smidge” or “bum a taste.” It’s those borrowers who get passed on to collections.
“It was an odd request at first,” Joan DeSantos of West Coast Recovery Services tells me in a phone interview. “We actually tried to turn Mr. Zoggenheimer’s business down initially. We ran the numbers for him and showed that he’d lose more money hiring our services than just letting all that wax go.”
I ask Jack why he can’t just consider those tiny smudges of excess wax a loss.
“It’s the principle, man. If you say you want to borrow some wax you better return that wax. Either make me whole with financial compensation or get me a new bar of wax…speak of the devil.”
Right then Jack sees a familiar face on the other side of the parking lot. He waves. The old friend gives a nervous nod back as Jack starts rummaging through his tote again. He pulls out an old wax comb caked in sand, resin, and dirty wax. Jack starts jogging to the nervous local, clearly one of his debtors. The surfer runs the other way. Jack’s a man of principle.
‘Time to go collect.”
Editor’s Note: Johnny Utah is an “Eff-Bee-Eye” agent and an expert in satire. More of his investigative work can be found here.
