Now this is dead sexy. Photo: Cassia Tofano//Unsplash
I think I’m an average-looking guy. If it’s last call, the lights are low, and you’re scanning the room for a potential partner for the night, you could definitely do better than me – but you could also do A LOT worse. My teeth are straight. I shower regularly. I own roughly two pairs of nice shoes. My haircut is neither on-trend nor overly offensive. I will not tickle your fancy, but you would allow me to stand adjacent to your fancy. My mother will tell you I am a nice boy with a great personality – the ultimate telltale sign of where I am slotted on the attractiveness totem pole.
This largely translated to my surfing. No one ever approached me in the parking lot to compliment me on doing a bang-average job. In fact, unless I had a brand new board, no one really noticed I existed. And even then, all it amounted to was some random dude saying “New board? Sick!” And that was that. I could come and go from the water as I pleased. Just another black wetsuit bobbing in the sea. An unremarkable surfing pedestrian.
But that all changed. Now, I am swarmed with adoration. Attractive young college girls toss their hair to the side and say “Wow!” as I pass by them like I’m the star of a cologne advert. Men drop what they’re doing and gawk at my now unquestionable awesomeness. Children disown their parents and demand I adopt them. A stranger literally ran down the boardwalk the other day to get my attention. RAN. It was seven in the morning and this dude wearing sandals and jeans did his best Usain Bolt impression just for the opportunity to talk to me.
You may be asking yourself – how did I go from being just another boring surfer with a dripping nasal cavity to dripping with sex appeal?
Simple. I bought a retro twin-fin fish surfboard.
Not just any retro fish, mind you – a fish with a blue resin tint that is five feet and three inches of pure, unfiltered sex. This board lets you know that not only do I have style and soul, but I have harnessed the motion of the ocean. I have flow. Panache. A certain je ne sais quoi.
I actually have none of these things. But this board is so powerful, it will make you believe otherwise.
After purchasing the fish, everyone now wants to talk to me. People stop me on the beach just to tell me how much they love my new board. I’m now constantly bombarded with questions in and out of the water – how does it ride? Where did you get it? What are the dims? Do you love it? I know riding a mid-length is all the rage these days, but it seems like the surf community’s true obsession is with the twin fin fish. I have never heard so many men shout “BRO” at me and then follow their aggressive greeting with compliments. It has come to the point where, when some stranger inevitably says to me “Wow, that’s the perfect board for today,” I will respond using my best Han Solo impression, saying only “I know” with a smirk on my face.
This must be what an attractive celebrity feels like. The sand is my red carpet and everyone wants to stop me for a photo. Who knew that all you had to do to make people lose their minds was slap two fins on the back of a thick, curvy surfboard?
I am drunk with my new FISH POWER – a fish frenzy if you will. Clearly, ladies want me and men want to be me. I could kick over a child’s sandcastle and their parents would thank me for doing it so seductively. That’s the type of power I now wield. This fish gives me an 87 percent chance of stealing your girlfriend, wife, and/or beloved family pet. The Fonz had his slick hair and black leather jacket, I’ve got my blue fish and a taste for danger.
I’m unstoppable! Well, except when going backside. That’s a little tricky. But on this board, it doesn’t matter if I’m going left or right, because I’m always headed straight for your heart.
