Dating a surfer? Good luck with that. Photo: Seth Doyle
Some gals and guys get all the breaks and end up shacked up with surfers for the long haul. Dating a surfer isn’t for everyone, but it should be, because by all accounts, it’s a wild, fulfilling ride. As a matter of fact, you should consider yourself fortunate. Here’s why dating a surfer rules (with some totally un-sarcastic input from my fiancé).
Surfers Rip at Reliability
If the car breaks down or the shower springs a leak, we’re there. You can count on us…that is, unless the waves are firing, because then we’re obviously upping our wave count at the closest beach. But look on the bright side: after we surf, we’re in such a rad mood that we’ll stop at the market and get whatever you need (while we grab a breakfast burrito with extra guac) on your credit card. And hey, whatever happened with the shower; did you figure it out? Because we’re covered in sand and kelp and our toe is bleeding. We need to rinse off, ASAP…
They’re the Cleanest Act in Town
There’s never sand in our cars, or in the shower, or all over the house. We don’t leave a trail of zinc, banana peels and surf wax behind wherever we go, because clearly all surfers are as OCD about cleanliness as they are about a thick base coat and a leash that won’t snap. You’ll never have to worry about sand in the bed sheets, either, or wax all over the car’s interior and exterior, booties in the shower that smell like grim death, surfboards splayed across the deck, yard, garage, couch and closet, or wetsuits strewn about like a surf shop changing room. Instead, get prepped for cleanliness, order, and not even a shred of seaweed – or spicy guacamole – on the carpet.
They’re Economic Masterminds
When you date a surfer, you don’t have to worry about them spending cash on frivolous things. We drive old cars, ride old bikes, and wear the same boardshorts out to dinner and to your sister’s wedding. Sure, we need to update the quiver every few months, but we’ll sell that stack of old boards on Facebook Marketplace soon, we promise. Oh, and we might need to pick up that new Firewire S Boss, because come on, have you seen that thing? Right, and depending on how much we have in the joint checking, we also are in dire need of a mid-length. Why? Because our old mid-length is holding us back, and mid-lengths are IN, Babe. Huh? What credit card bill from Hanson’s? I have no idea who Mitch even is! Anyway, Honey, “we” should probably pay that off soon. Wait, what do you mean you closed the joint checking account? What about our SURFLINE PREMIUM MEMBERSHIP?!
They’re Ruthlessly Career-Driven
You’ve hitched your wagon to the right star, Brothers and Sisters. Hardcore surfers are full-on addicted to the office, hopelessly stoked on spreadsheets and TPS reports. They spend absolutely zero time plotting how to avoid work and go surfing, never call in sick when the swell arrives and are focused only on climbing the corporate ladder. Sure, the corporate ladder might consist of our uncle’s old metal ladder, and our “work” may be a charming mix of ever-changing part-time gigs, (like painting Uncle Bob’s house), all of which we’ll abandon when the best swell of the season hits; but that’s no problem. The surf shop in town offers a great retirement plan in the form of free wax for life and writing for surf websites pays so well we’ve switched to buying the organic bananas, rather than those shabby conventional bunches. Case in point, we only missed paying our taxes once, and that was during that “lost” period in Indo when we took ayahuasca and ended up surfing for 50 hours straight…What was the question? Well, no. Being “between jobs” is wayyyy different than being unemployed…But hey, Hon, can we borrow $20?
Surfers Prize You Above All Else
Nothing beats a picnic in the park with the person who puts the pop in our pop-up. However, sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder – did you ever hear that sage nugget? I think Tom Curren said it. Guy’s clearly a poet. Anyway, we don’t want to smother you, so we’ll be at the beach for dawn patrol, then probably stay for a late morning sesh if the wind stays light. We’re down to hang all afternoon – if the wind blows onshore and as we can refuel with some grub, (you’re buying, right Babe?) – then take a quick nap before a sunset session. Wait, you don’t want to come chill on the beach by yourself and watch us surf? Who’s going to document our epic rides? Honey, we love you…but you’re being unreasonable.
“The waves were super-sick, bra!” Photo: screenshot
Surfers Are as Eloquent as Shakespeare
When you introduce us to your friends, they’ll undoubtedly be blown away by our oceanic knowledge and surprisingly distinct vernacular. It doesn’t matter who we’re talking to, we’re clearly going to refer to them as “man” and “dude,” while sprinkling in highly evolved words like “pitted,” “shacked,” “sick,” “gnarly,” and even “super-sick” if the tacos you just bought us are really that good. Sure, we’re prone to long, thoughtful pauses, but we’re not stoned – well, maybe just a little, because it’s good for our tired muscles – we’re just asleep. Wake us up when the nachos come, will ya, my Dude?
They’re Never Narcissistic
We’ll never come home and interrupt your hectic workday with vital news flashes like: “Babe, you have no idea how sick the waves were and it wasn’t even supposed to be that good but duuuuuuude, it was nuts out there! Huh? You’re on a call? Well, anyway, I surfed pretty well – okay, I ripped, and now I’m super hungry – can I eat your leftover pizza? No, I know it’s 9 a.m., but I feel like I need more veggies in my diet, because I felt a little heavy when I tried that air – wait, why’d you put your headphones back on? Hon? I thought you asked for more ‘quality time?’”
They Love Lazy Mornings with You
Saturday mornings are for sleeping in, then making coffee and waffles for your partner, right? Our version of that is just slightly different, but still dreamy: we’ll be up up by 5 to check the surf report, groggily make the coffee nursing a tequila hangover, drink all the coffee, pack our gear, knock over the recycling can with our board on the way out (good morning!), and take your car for the rest of the day because our truck is out of gas. It’s paradise, these weekend mornings with you, no? And they said romance was dead!
Surfers Are Spontaneous!
Of course, we’ll take a drive to the mountains with you on a whim, hit up that 10 a.m. farmer’s market, or pick up late tickets to the music festival way more inland than anyone should ever go. Why not? There’s only one thing. We already have plans to go surfing today, and tomorrow, and yesterday…with who? Well, with ourselves. A little alone time, right! No, we don’t do that every day – just yesterday we surfed with Uncle Bob! What makes today different? So glad you asked. See, the wind is offshore, and the south swell picked up, and…no, you go to the market! Enjoy! Have fun and grab us a pineapple, would ya?
What do you mean you’re not talking about the market?
Forever? Really, that’s it? The ride’s over? Major wipeout? End of session? Honestly, we truly thought you were more committed to the relationship, but let’s be clear, before you take off, we’ve got two of our favorite boards in the back of your car, and the rent’s due, so…wait! Babe?! HELLO?!
