Can you blame her? Photo: Cedric Frixon//Unsplash
Editor’s Note: Believe it or not, The Inertia receives countless questions about relationships and shredding. So many, in fact, that we decided to commission longtime columnist Johnny Utah to answer them in a semi-monthly advice column, Ask Johnny Utah.
Dear Johnny Utah,
Whenever my wife and I go to the beach together, I always see her eyeing up the young shortboarders. This is not just a passing glance either, she is blatantly using her eyes to undress them out of their chest zips.
I mainly surf on a longboard and have never seen her look at me with the same vigor. I’m starting to feel offended and a bit jealous. Especially because I think shortboarders are glory boys that care more about landing tricks than enjoying the soul of what makes surfing great – cruising down a wave and being at one with nature.
So what if they can twirl around in the air? I’m her husband. I should get some kind of eye-service regardless of what board I ride. Should I be worried? And is there any way I can get her to pay more attention to me and less to those guys riding shorter boards?
– Jealous in Jersey
Dear Jealous,
You know what longboarders say about shortboards? Half the board, half the fun.
But 95 percent of surfing is about looking cool (the other five is surviving an aqua aerobics class gone awry), and shortboards are objectively cool. Riding a tiny rocket ship that launches plumes of water into the air demands your attention in a way that River Dancing up and down a moving plank just can’t compete with.
And while they may not be having the same amount of fun, real scientific studies show that riding a shortboard increases your sex appeal by roughly 39 percent. Why do you think so many beginners buy shortboards instead of making the more elongated, logical choice? Sex sells. Maybe if longboarders focused on doing a few less wave-ruining fades and discovered a maneuver more aggressive than “soulfully” leaning backward, they could really up their sexiness.
Your wife probably sees all these young men in tight suits throwing their tails around in a flexible fashion and begins to let her imagination wander. Which is fine! Because nothing is actually going to happen with these glorified pool boys. She isn’t Mrs. Robinson and none of those surfers are a fresh-out-of-college Dustin Hoffman. It’s all a fantasy, and we’re all entitled to our weirdo fantasies, no matter how much volume they lack.
Besides, have you ever dated a young surfer? It’s an awful experience. Imagine sleeping with a sailor that has been surrounded exclusively by other sailors at sea for 40 days and has neglected to shower, shave, or listen to anything other than The Dirty Heads. That is their base-level existence. They’re always wet. They smell like rotting seaweed. Everything in their apartment is covered in sand. All of your dinner dates will be going to whatever Mexican food establishment has the best carne asada burrito deal that day. They’re excited about everything but will blow off anything to go surf. And there is zero chance they will throw you a shaka after sex – and that’s frankly too high of a chance for any person to take.
Is watching your wife ogle other men obnoxious? Sure. Everyone wants to be the center of their beau’s world. But there’s nothing categorically wrong with looking, ya know? It’s like the ladies tell Agent Pappas down at the Topless Tabernacle – “Lookin’s free, but touchin’s gonna cost yah.” And she’s only looking. I think if you toss her the old “Wow, you never look at me like that!” she will likely get the hint.
Or just grab a thruster and actually learn to throw some god damn buckets. Then you can bask in an entire shoreline’s worth of attention all for yourself.
Editor’s Note: If you didn’t figure out this was satire within the first few sentences, shoot us a note and we’ll immediately send someone to hit you over the head with a frying pan.
