‘Is My Husband’s Wetsuit Fixation a Problem?’ It’s highly likely. Photo: Screenshot
Editor’s Note: Believe it or not, The Inertia receives countless questions about relationships and shredding. So many, in fact, that we decided to commission longtime columnist Johnny Utah to answer them in a semi-monthly advice column, Ask Johnny Utah.
Dear Johnny Utah,
My husband won’t stop wearing his wetsuit in day-to-day life. He puts it on when he wakes up to surf each morning and then doesn’t take it off until it’s time for bed.
He never used to be this way! He would wear normal clothes and only used a wetsuit for surfing. But recently he started to wear it out of the water more and more. At first, it was just to the store after surfing to pick up a few things. I thought maybe he kept forgetting a change of clothes and was trying to be efficient (although I admit, wearing it with shoes and socks should have been a red flag).
But I knew something was definitely wrong when he met my friends and I at dinner with his wetsuit on, fully zipped.
Now he comes home from surfing and lounges around in the thing all day. I can’t understand why someone would want to constantly wear a wetsuit. He looks awful and smells like a tire. What can I do to get him to dress normally again? – Steaming in Staten Island
Dear Steaming,
Sounds like you married a Never Nude Dude.
Look, I know wetsuit tech has come a long way over the past fifteen years. When I slide a new wetsuit on now, I immediately think, “Wow! All those advertisements were right – this new generation of WARMTH HOARDER suit with innovative Q47 Heat Hostage technology is as supple as it is warm! It’s so luxurious I almost don’t want to pee in it – almost.”
But these newer wetsuits feel great to wear out of the water for approximately three minutes. After that, the sweating begins. Your body, desperate for you to release it from this neoprene prison, starts conjuring sweat out of every pore until you’re in a sauna of your own warm juices. Mmmmmm – delicious! This is fantastic for surfing in the winter, but not ideal when you’ve invited Bob and Nancy from down the street over for spicy tacos in your well-heated home.
Plus, no one looks good in a wetsuit. Unlike other tight-fitting workout gear that may help enhance your appearance (see: yoga pants), a wetsuit is like adding a layer of blubber on top of your body. Despite being form fitting, they are not built to flatter. Precisely zero significant others are out there browsing wetsuits online and dreaming of their lover in skin-tight neoprene. There are better, less-sweaty fetishes out there that accomplish the same thing.
Your husband is not wearing his suit around because it feels good or it’s the hot new athleisure trend – he’s wearing it because he’s afraid of aging and exposing himself to the world as anything other than a young, stoked surfer. Never Nude Dudes suffer from a mixture of anxiety and crippling mid-life crisis. They’re desperate to let you know they’re still youthful and shredding, even though they’re very clearly in their mid-forties and spend eight hours a day as an accountant.
And, honestly Steaming, spinning the Wheel of Male Midlife Surf Crises only has three possible outcomes: becoming a Never Nude Dude, buying a stand-up paddle board, or filling up your garage with mid-lengths – so I think you can claim this as a minor victory.
You should embrace your Never Nude Dude for the weirdo he is. Maybe support him by also wearing a wetsuit around the house. Note – this will not be enjoyable! But that’s what you sign up for when you get married: sometimes you get a nice house with a big yard and a white picket fence and sometimes you marinate in two-millimeters of neoprene while sipping coffee with your significant other. Them’s the breaks. But with enough love, sweat, and therapy, he’ll hopefully move on from this phase.
I just hope he’s not peeing in that thing.
Editor’s Note: If you didn’t figure out this was satire within the first few sentences, shoot us a note and we’ll immediately send someone to hit you over the head with a frying pan. For more fringe advice from Johnny, go here.
