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If you haven’t heard, Yeezus is running for President. That declaration was actually the only coherent thought (I think) that came out of Kanye West’s 13 minutes of rambling at the 2015 VMA’s. From making us think he was going to apologize to Taylor Swift to talking smack about Justin Timberlake (that’s #1 on my oh-no-no list, by the way) to uttering the words “I just wanted people to like me” (surprise of the century), the American rap artist showed the world that MTV’s flagship award show has come a long way since the days of awesome Michael Jackson cameos. The point is, as captivating as those first 12 and a half minutes were – including the two minutes it took to build up to his opening line “bro,” – it all paled in comparison to that official announcement that the world might be ending if he campaigns for office in the United States. I’m not sure if I’m more scared of his intentions or the thousands of people in LA’s Microsoft Theater who cheered and hooted in approval. It’s a scary world we live in now, folks.
The wise MC Breed once promised us that if he were President he’d stay phat. And if we left it up to him he’d paint the White House Black. Those are the rock solid values rappers used to stand on when setting their sights on the Oval Office. But I’m not so sure Kanye will give the same brand of integrity to the position. And that’s why we need candidates to step forward that will bring the same shock value as the idea of having a rapper lead the free world. Like, for example, a surfer. Yes we need a surfer to run in opposition of Kim Kardashian’s husband for several reasons (the first of which being the institutionalization of XXL swells and hurricanes as paid holidays). So I present to you 5 surfers that will make better Presidential candidates than Kanye West in 2020.
1. Dustin Barca:
Dustin Barca was a legitimate mayoral candidate in Kaua’i last year. The man brought a lot of love for his culture and home, sharing plans for sustainable agriculture in Kaua’i which he hoped would serve as a blueprint for a healthier and wealthier rest of the world. He has vision and a passion that are infectious. Admit it, you’re voting for him already.
Kala Alexander:
Pictured: Diplomacy
Want to win the war on terror? Send in the WolfPack. Crisis averted.
Mason Ho:
I’m holding out hope for this idea of major swell events being cause for national holidays, and honestly I think Mason is our best chance to make that happen. Bonus points for Ho getting a shaka added onto the Presidential Seal.
Bodhi:
Back off Kanye, seriously.
Bodhi is a natural leader among men (and women…and surfers). He convinced three dudes to make their dream of living the endless summer a reality while dressing up as Ronald Reagan. So it’s kind of like he was already President by default anyway. My point is he’s demonstrated the necessary leadership skills and the kind of experience that should earn our trust. And if slapping a red white and blue “Bodhi/Utah 2020” (because duh, who else is going to be his Vice President?) bumper sticker on your hoopty isn’t tickling your fancy just yet then take a minute to imagine him ending each State of the Union with “Little hand says time to rock and roll.”
CJ Hobgood:
Deez Nuts earned as much as 9% in mid-August polls in three states. And when Kanye announced his campaign with a mic drop a theater full of people cheered. Donald Trump…just…Donald trump. Discernment is at an all time low in America. We need a candidate that not only everybody likes, but one everybody should like. Name one person that is easier to love than good ole Ceej? He has a World Title on his resume and four World Tour wins. Those are accomplishments Yeezy can’t gloat about (although I wouldn’t be surprised if he still tried). Why are these things important? I’ll tell you why as we imagine the best Presidential debate to hit TV airwaves:
“Those are some interesting ideas on structural reforms to preserve Medicare for future generations, Kanye. But did you win Teahupo’o in 2004?” And that, folks, is worthy of a mic drop.
NOT Kelly Slater:
WHAT? Kelly’s King! I know that’s the sentiment of 99% of the people reading this as you slam expletives through your keyboard as I left the 11-time champ off this list. There’s a few reasons why he didn’t make my top-5 though. First, this is my list. Second, it’s too obvious of a choice. And third, it’s too obvious of a choice and this is my list.
