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mega-swell in field

The first of the mega-swell’s waves seen here, making their way across the American Midwest.


The Inertia

On the morning of the first annual Tank Surfer wave pool contest, the forecasts had contest organizers worried. A mega-swell was making its way towards the pool, situated some 1,000 miles from any ocean, and they weren’t sure whether it would be too large for the pool to hold. Eventually, they decided to call the event off because officials deemed the conditions “extremely dangerous.”

“We’ve had this thing cranked up to 10 before,” one of the pool’s designers said. “But we’ve never had it subjected to the kind of conditions that are headed our way. I don’t know if the bathymetry will hold up. It would be irresponsible to send surfers out into conditions like the ones that will be on tap.”

Similar to the Code Red swell that put the Billabong Pro Tahiti event on hold, the mega-swell bearing down on the wave pool is being called a “once-in-a-century” swell event. Heavy winds on the East Coast created a low pressure system that sent gusts of wind up to 100 miles per hour swirling across the country, whipping up the swell as it headed west, gaining steam and getting more organized as it crossed through the American Midwest.

“I ain’t never seen nothin’ like that in all my life,” said a hog farmer in Kansas. “Grandpappy tol’ me once as a young ‘un about these derned mega swells, but I don’t didn’t believe him. Thought it was all just rumors. Color me pickled, but he was right. Damn near swept all my pigs away when it come through.”

The wave pool, which sits in an east-to-west direction, is situated perfectly for the swell’s angle. As of this writing, big-wave wave pool surfers are fueling up the Jet Skis and packing their rhino chasers, frantically trying to book plane tickets to any airport within 200 miles of the pool. “I’ve got three booked right now,” said one. “One into Kansas City, one into Topeka, and one into Sioux Falls. I just don’t want to miss this swell. You have to take these opportunities when they come… it’s not very often that a mega-swell hits a wave pool. Look at it! It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, man!”

Surfers in the event weren’t too disappointed that the event was called off. “Honestly,” said one, “this place scares the shit out of me when it gets big. The bottom is literally made of cement. There are huge metal posts on the sides of the pool. I have no interest in risking my life to surf in a wave pool, no matter what they pay me.”

Editor’s Note: Johnny Utah is an “Eff-Bee-Eye” agent and an expert in works of satire. More of his investigative work can be found here.

 
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