Human beings have come up with some pretty incredible inventions. The wheel. The lightbulb. The freaking alphabet. We can fly! But, of course, there are also some enormously dumb inventions. Here are five of the dumbest ones in the world of surfing. Of course, we’ve probably missed a few, so feel free to add your own at the bottom.
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Surf Skis: Surf skis are exactly what they sound like: skis that you surf on. It’s impossible to paddle into anything, making you one either of those annoying tow guys on waves that you don’t need to be towed into, or a stand up paddler on two boards. And when you’re on two skis, you automatically assume a weird half squat position that makes it look as though you’re taking a dump.
Everyone out of the water! He’s taking a dump!
Surfbike: Ok, so it’s not technically a surfing invention. But seriously, look at this thing. Judging from their slideshow, the Surfbike was made exclusively to get you somewhere in the slowest way possible so you can sit in the sand in an awkward looking position. There is, however, one guy on a wave in the slideshow on their website. He looks as though he’s about to shit himself with terror because he’s riding a tippy, ridiculous contraption that’s clearly not designed to be ridden through waves. And he’s riding it through waves. Oh right, I forgot to mention that if you ever want to balance this on your chin, you can do it. Apparently, that’s a selling point. I must be way behind on my marketing.
L to R: “JESUS GARY, WHAT HAVE YOU GOTTEN YOURSELF INTO!?” / What else would you do with it? Ride it? / “What’s that? Yes, I did lose my leg on the way over here. Surfbike propeller accident.”
Noho Surf Balance Trainer: The Noho Surf Balance Trainer is basically a board with a couple of half beach balls on the bottom. You set it up and stand on it, pretending you’re surfing. Oh, so if I can do it on my front lawn, I’ll be able to do it on a wave? Great! I’m going to start practicing pulling my parachute cord on the grass. Then I’ll jump off a building and be ok, right?
If you can do it on your lawn, you can do it in the water.
Electric Wetsuit: The electric wetsuit incorporates a couple of batteries and some cables running through your wetsuit, keeping you warm, while (hopefully) not shocking the piss out of you. I love being warm in cold water, too. But when someone came up with the idea of inserting a bunch of batteries and metal into a wetsuit, there are bound to be problems. Electricity and water aren’t normally friends, unless you’re an electric eel. And face it, you’re not.
The ol’ full body defibrillator.
Shark Proof Wetsuit: Yup, this is a thing. There are actually a few different variations of it, none of which guarantee that they are, indeed, “shark-proof.” What they can guarantee is that you’ll look like a skinny zebra on two legs or Mystique, from X-Men. Only zebras make stripes awesome and Mystique made blue sexy. You can do neither.
I think I’ll take the shark, thank you.
