I own the WSL! I own this wave! I’m going to build a wall around it!
What was always touted as the unthinkable actually happened–Donald Trump is the President-elect of the United States of America. For those of you living in the land of the American dream, your most important decisions are on the verge of being made by the owner of one very finely coiffured toupee, or whatever that thing on his head is. Whatever your opinion of the billionaire businessman, it’s fair to say that Donald Trump divides opinion like no other political figure. His controversial views have left his doubters questioning his ability to take up the position as the most powerful man in the world, while his supporters celebrate his honesty and determination to speak his mind, regardless of whom he may be upsetting in the process.
But what if by some weird twist of fate Trump decided to take an alternative career path? Buckling under the pressure and succumbing to a moment of madness, deciding that what he really needed was to feel the sand between his toes and become more in-tune with his inner-beach-soul. What if Mr. Donald Trump was to take the helm of the World Surf League?
Here’s what we could expect to happen:
1. Rebranding the WSL: Classic Trump Style
If there’s one thing Donald Trump is not afraid of, it’s self-promotion. Never tired of seeing his own name emblazoned across billboards, flags and banners, we couldn’t expect the World Surf League to escape the clutches of the Trump name. Rebranding would be the first essential change. Should we anticipate something as simple as Trump’s Surf League? Probably not. The man likes a slogan: “Trump’s Traveling Circus of Surf” is more beguiling to the man threatening to take the reins of the free world. And no outside sponsors would be allowed, and all surfers would be required to unite in one large (compulsory) team. Sunglasses, t-shirts and hats all loudly heralding the man in charge, surfboards would boldly wear the label of only one name: Trump.
2. Keep Out Kook: I’m Gonna Build Me a Wall
Donald Trump seems to have a thing for walls. Perhaps he didn’t get outside enough as a kid, but whatever the reason, a wall is set to feature somewhere in Trump’s destiny. Intent on keeping the lineups kook free, Trump would plough some of his substantial fortune into building walls around the world’s finest surf spots, perfect for keeping the inexperienced at arms’ length, thus allowing the pros to shred away without fear of being dropped in on by a novice. Unfortunately, while these walls would be incredibly effective at quashing numbers in the water, they would also block all incoming swell and completely ruin the spot. There’s a parallel in there somewhere, if you look for it.
3. Revamping the Scoring System: Points Win Prizes
Scoring waves out of 10 is too conservative for our weird-haired politician. A stalwart of reality TV, Trump would implement a system whereby the outcome of heats would be decided by the general public. Anyone is eligible to vote, as long as they form part of Trump’s predetermined demographic, consisting of: people from the US, specifically New York, currently residing in Trump’s home neighborhood of Queens, and only if you agree upon a certain set of questions that ensure no diversity of opinion. Upon completion of each heat, the winners and losers would be summoned to the water’s edge and branded: fired or wired. Those deemed wired progress through to the next round of the competition to surf another heat. And don’t forget the potential for a “Trump Card” – an novel new opportunity for competitors to score treble points. Competing surfers would simply pull a Donald Trump mask from their back pocket and surf an entire wave wearing the face of a bronzed 69-year-old gentleman to qualify for the enhanced wave score. Only to be used once per heat, obviously.
4. Global Warming is an Expensive Hoax: Ditch the Wetsuits
Mr. Trump doesn’t believe we have a responsibility towards protecting ourselves against climate change. He accounts the fluctuation in global temperatures to an “elaborate hoax.” In which case, surfers wouldn’t be allowed to give any indication to the water temperature at the world’s favorite surf destinations. With Trump in charge, it’s board shorts only, even in (supposedly) chilly European waters.
5. We Must Increase Surveillance: Go Pros Absolutely Compulsory
The Republican has controversially called for certain factions to be kept under closer scrutiny. Perhaps a little extra footage of the world’s elite surfers from deep inside the green room would help to ease Mr. Trump’s worries. In an effort to step up accountability, competing surfers would be required to wear GoPros at all times. Board-cams, chest harnesses, mouthpieces – the works. Every millisecond of a surfer’s movement would be documented in crystal-clear-high-definition: carefully packaged, gift-wrapped and streamed live to the demanding TV networks and surf audiences around the world.
6. A Clear Policy on Priority in the Water
In keeping with Trump’s well publicized and uncompromising views on international relations, all wave priority would surely go to… actually, on second thoughts, let’s halt this list at 5.
This article was originally featured on Surfing Sections.
