John Florence and Kelly Slater are a legendary pair. But according to some pundits, 2017 ain’t their year. Art: Haro
Aren’t January and February challenging? The first few weeks are great. You get carried along on a magic carpet of residual alcohol poisoning and hasty gym memberships you’ll never use after mid-February.
But then you hit the doldrums.
Every day you think the sky has fallen down. Black months stretch out in front of you. They are filled with things you’ll pencil in then not do (for another year) as you slip slide your way towards grim, inevitable death.
Sorry about that.
I’m just a little fed up with surfing right now, and that can get me down. Wind and waves and free time have bounced off each other like square pegs and round holes. Combinations just haven’t worked out.
It’s not all bad, though. Outside of surfing, things are actually wonderful. I have a 4-month-old baby boy who is very interesting. I also have a dog who is mean to cats but can be wise and often insightful. Sometimes they have fascinating interactions. Earlier the dog tried to sniff the baby and the baby urinated in his face. I admire that sort of maverick, devil-may-care approach to life. I hope to nurture it.
But as I was saying, sometimes surfing gets me down like kale chips and Martin Potter’s voice. So, in the interest of entertainment, these are the things that I am fairly, definitely sure will absolutely, maybe happen this year, and could make surfing less boring.
The Weedmaps house on the North Shore. Image: Weedmaps
1. Weedmaps sponsorship will ruin Mason Ho’s fragile, precocious little mind.
On the surface, Weedmaps and Mason Ho seem to go together like chips and gravy. He surfs insane, gets plenty of coverage, and is “Oh, so hot right!” now like Hansel. I have no idea whether Mason likes to consume the devil’s cabbage or not. It is pure conjecture. But did you catch him on the Occ-Cast? My girlfriend described it as “like watching a drunk girl trying to talk to a hot guy.”
Remember that old Gotcha ad from the ’80s with the tagline “If You Don’t Surf, Don’t Start”? Well, I really hope Weedmaps comes out with a campaign featuring Mason and the tagline: If You Don’t Smoke, Don’t Start.
But in all honesty, Laird’s a gentle giant. Image: YouTube
2. Laird will “accidentally” decapitate Kai Lenny with a hydrofoil SUP
The case will play out publicly in the manner of the OJ Simpson trial. It will be streamed live by the WSL.
In a shocking-but-not-shocking verdict, Laird will eventually walk free, SUPing down the Los Angeles river in celebration.
The decision will audibly stun Joe Turpel into varying the pitch of his commentary, if only for a fleeting second. Later, no one will be certain that it did change, even after listening back.
The high point of the trial will be Dog The Bounty Hunter being restrained after forcefully entering the courtroom with Dog’s Wife Beth.
Dog, confusingly, will refer to Laird as “Dad.”
“I’m getting excited for the biggest challenge of my life! Going into the jungle for #NakedandAfraid .. officially gonna be a jungle girl. Any tips for being in the wild?” – Anastasia Ashley Photo: Facebook
3. Anastasia Ashley’s live Instagram feed will get worse/better/even more tragic.
Do you follow? Of course, you do. If only out of morbid curiosity. Like when you were a kid and used to put rings of salt round slugs then watch them sizzle to death as they tried to escape.
Ms. Ashley has 1.1 million Insta followers. Soon they’ll get a solid helping of Naked and Afraid updates, which, ironically, fits the tone of the account as it currently is quite well.
Dolphins are the greatest surfers on earth. Image: YouTube
4. Dick Van Dyke will fall asleep whilst surfing but be heroically rescued by porpoises!
How did we miss it! Why wasn’t it reported as the greatest thing to happen in surfing since the thruster?
(Rumours that Dick Van Dyke has now joined Bruce Irons and Mason Ho on the Weedmaps team are unsubstantiated so probably true).
It’s Italo’s year! Photo: WSL
5. Kelly won’t win the title in (maybe) his last year. John John won’t repeat either.
No, the title will go instead to…Italo Ferreira! And won’t we all just rejoice!
If you don’t like Italo, then you probably don’t like sunshine or clean bedsheets or chicken or life.
Watch his thick little legs send him spinning through the sky! Marvel at his backhand blitz! Gasp as he scythes a metric ton of water from the lip like a watery surgeon!
Anyway, these are some things that will probably happen. Good luck with your own winter blues. It’ll be summer soon and then we can moan about that, too.
In the meantime go surfing, get off the internet, and believe in Italo.
