3. Do not wear a chicken mask.
This is in response to the article 5 Essential Tips for Good Bodysurfing that was on Coastal Watch. You should probably read it before you read mine.
When I read the article from Coastal Watch, I had to ask myself to share some tips on the fine art of board surfing. Have a read at my words and get out there… on steroids.
1. Hurley Phantom Board shorts. **IMPORTANT** The board shorts must be this season. You must keep up with the trends. If the board shorts are last season, those shouldn’t even be allowed to grace the trashcan you keep your dog shit in. Kindly insert $65 into your budget so you may buy a single pair of board shorts every few months. The colors of your Phantoms must be bright, and the fit must be fairly baggy. Other surfers and Hurley investors will be particularly impressed when they witness you supporting their investment. If you are surfing on a deserted beach, then ask yourself “What the f*ck am I doing?” If there’s no one on the beach, then there’s no cameras there to capture your radass twisty mcnasty air, brah. Leave immediately. Find a crowded beach so you can be seen. As if.
2. Take Steroids. My friends call me The Enforcer because I can bench 310 lbs and squat 520 lbs. Plus, I’m a trained Ninja Warrior. NINJA WARRIOR! With three degrees stealth, four badges for purple shadow dancing, and two honorable mentions for being honorable when mentioned, “lethal” is an understatement. I cope with my Enforcer status by bashing anyones’ head who cuts me off, looks at my waves, or even gets within 30 feet of my waves. My steady regimen of steroid cycles are the perfect supplement to my hobby of surfing. I take waves scrawny surfers would otherwise have access to. Most of the great surfers tend to have Enforcers, regardless of where they are.
3. Do not wear a chicken mask. This has absolutely nothing to do with becoming a better board surfer, but I imagine it can’t help to wear a chicken mask. I mean, that’s just ridiculous.
4. Don’t use your arms to paddle. Anyone can catch a wave board surfing while using their arms, but the true professionals do it without using their arms. In fact, the true board surfers just lie down the entire time. Boogie-surf that bitch! You don’t need your arms or legs. Simplify here people! Grass roots. In fact, next time you go out surfing, don’t even use your arms or your legs… this way I’ll be able to catch all the waves you’ve been paddling for – armless and legless.
5. Be sincere, not serious! Don’t take board surfing seriously. If you smile a ton and are nice to everybody, surfers will let you get any waves you want. If you are in a crowded lineup and you use words/phrases like “Please” and “Thank you” surfers are just going to give you waves. Trust me. If you sit politely and wait your turn, Enforcers will start calling you into waves. If you go to the same spot for 5 days straight, using polite language and showing respect, you’ll be the next fucking Jaime O’Brien of that place.
