Groovy Dude, by Joe Vickers
Ok, maybe there are actually eleven…
1. The ocean is always a metaphor. Often with female pronouns. Always fickle, sometimes rewarding.
2. Every dialog must include bro, dude, or man. Bonus points for duder, bro-man, or the mash up triple-score, such as dudebroman.
3. Use science to occasionally offset the shaggy perception of the sport. Each scientific term removes an inch of sun streaked, sandy hair. Suggestions include: fetch, bathymetry, Roaring Fourties.
4. Keep the minutia well hidden, unless is “hunting” for waves in a far off land where the natives embrace you and your best friends who booked the last minute trip. Never mention the washing of wetsuits, the upset spouses whom you blew off for the “swell of the year” or the endless supply of sand that requires constant vacuuming from home, car and office.
5. Always mention the crowd – whether abundant, scant, heavy or jovial.
6. Pretend to understand the scoring protocol for contests (see: advice for surf broadcasting).
7. Embrace four letter words to disrupt the presence of any overly verbose language: dude, whoa, huge, wayyyy epic, fish, tube, brah, and the list can go on.
8. Use “waterman” at least once in an article, and write often of “soul surfers” or “chargers” with few characters in between. Ensure that anyone surfing is searching for the deeper meaning of it all.
9. Show a woman’s barely covered bottom somewhere in the article (duh).
10. Try to mention Miki Dora.
10. Have fun with it, bruh.
